Stepping Stones

Dear Om,

 

I'm taking my power back. Staying distant has been the best thing for both of us.

 

For years I have been mad at you and every time I have expressed any kind of anger you shrug and make me believe you are not to blame. How could I even compare you to him. The two of you are separate, but are you?

 

I am was mad at you for the same reason Little Girl Lost is mad at me. Sure you weren't The Beast, you didn't directly hurt me, but you also chose blindness. I learned to close my eyes by watching you. I learned to ignore the truth the abuse by telling myself, well, it's not me doing it.

 

Om,

I hear you saying to me "let go of your anger, forgive those who have hurt you" not once have you ever said sorry. I have let go of my anger but I had to separate myself from you in order to see where you end and I begin.

 

I will not continue the cycle. My purpose is to live Happily Ever after and live as an example for breaking the cycle. 

  

FORGIVENESS IS AN EVERYDAY ACTIVITY. 

 

Our codependent relationship is ending or should I say mending. I grew up feeling abandoned by my sisters who were so much older and had lives of their own. I couldn't understand why they left me. I became your prize possession and you my only family. 

 

I lived with you as a married adult and you followed me when I left the state. Not a day went by for 40 years that we didn't speak or see each other. The six months I lived without you in Arizona I thought I was going to die (probably the same thing you felt when I moved to San Francisco). I was so scared. I think I was more scared those six month then the six months of my divorce proceedings. 

 

Now when I learn of my codependency and I find my self needing separation you grant it to me. I am thankful we are finding our separate lives. 

 

Every morning I will wake up and I will remind myself that you tried. Nothing you did or didn't do was to hurt me. Everyday I will remind myself that you only did what you could and you tried to protect me in the only way you knew how. Every afternoon I will remember that being a mom is hard and being a wife can be even harder.

 
Dear Om,

 

I want to tell someone how much of an asshole I've been now that I've listed all the assholes that have been in my life. I know you don't think I'm "doing the work" because I don't do it the way the book says or the way you do it. I have never followed rules. It's definitely one of my asshole behaviors. I laugh at myself often at the fact that there is absolutely no box for me. Sometimes I just want a box to fit into. I WANT TO BE BASIC! LOL

 

You wouldn't really know how much work I have been doing because you don't read the words that I write. I am always writing and I reading constantly. I've definitely listed all the people that somehow made me lose site of myself and I've definitely taken ownership of many of my wrong doings. 

 

As a matter of fact it is continuous. I have been self reflective on many levels and it is freeing. 

 

When you met me I was a pile of garbage on the closet floor ready to be put out on the curb. I have grown tremendously since then and what I learned just yesterday, is that my life was constantly torn between an empath and a narcissist. Not only did I grow up in that codependent toxic environment (the larger umbrella of all the acted out drama) but I watched it repeat in a generation above me then I created it in my marriage. Hold on I'm not fully saying I was the empath and he the narcissist (even though he was diagnosed) what I'm saying is I couldn't make up my mind which one I wanted to play. 

 

I always justified it as the war between science and religion and I was going to find the balance.  I really struggled with who I was. Torn between two people who wanted me to be like them. Recently I was asked, yet again "when will you embrace who you are". I stood up for myself. I responded with "I am me and I am doing me my way". 

 

I got mad that I was again questioned but this time I spoke up. I said "that makes me mad" WHAT! WHO AM I! Just a year ago I would have festered and sat with the resentment. I probably would have stopped talking to her for a couple of months until that anger was sufficiently suppressed. 

 

After I told her that made me mad she said the most amazing thing. She told me that she doesn't see herself in me and it hurts her. Holy shit what an amazing break through. I reassured her that much of who I am is like her but I am not her. 

Om,

We have leveled up! lol

These steps actually work!