THE END
Dear God,
Two years ago today I wrote on Facebook that I was going to overcome my habits and take back my life. What a crock of shit!
Let's review:
I walked out of a terrible marriage. The first thing I did was get on dating apps so I could push him far away as possible. My only intent was to create new memories. To push him as far away from my thoughts as possible. I never intended on falling in love. I fell hard. I knew I wasn't ready. I knew I had work to do and I knew this was an intense kind of love. I tried to walk away but it was too hard. He was (is) someone I adore and look up to.
I started going to CODA but really I only went on average once a month. I had a lot of excuses about being tired and busy. However I did start to feel better. I was reading and I was listening. I revisited all the trauma in my life. I looked back and found how I got to the point in my life that allowed me to carry on such an unhealthy marriage. I changed a few habits and patterns and fell to my knees a lot less.
I got engaged to this wonderful man. I got the job of my dreams. I published my journals. I bought a house. I bought a car. I went on vacations. I was feeling good. I got pregnant and I had a miscarriage.
I wanted so badly to give this man a child. I felt like a failure. I felt like it wasn't meant to be. I was depressed and hid it. I hid it from me as well as everyone else. I started to hide my spending again little things here and there. Until all of a sudden it was a big thing. A woman read my book and believed I could do big things. She took all of my work from my past all of the stops along my journey and sold me my own life. She told me I could be great, heal the world and travel while doing it. I was going to be the next greatest life coach and mentor.
Yes of course that what I want. I worked hard. I deserve this. We started a journey together creating Stefani Michelle the brand. All while I was still working a very demanding full time job, being a mom and trying to work on myself. I was now trying to add more to my plate, my already very full plate. Why was I doing this? If I was doing this for the right reason why couldn't I share it with the most important people in my life. I hid it from everyone. I believed I needed to do it on my own.
I didn't want anyone to stop me, to talk me out of it, or show me the flaws in this very underdeveloped plan. Again I was hiding. I was hiding because back in the dark corners of my mind covered up in bullshit was a voice that said no one loves you and you must prove them wrong. You must show then that you are great. That you can do all the things they keep telling you, you can't do.
ALL THE WRONG REASONS
I don't want to drown myself in building a business. I keep get suckered to 'be my own boss". I allow the discontent in my heart the hole to be filled with pipe dreams. Then I look for ways to justify these dreams. Not once, not twice I can't even count how many times I allowed myself to fall for a dream I REALLY DONT CARE ABOUT. It's a pipe dream because its only about my ego. its only about filling the void. Its not what my heart really wants. I always wanted to be a teacher ALWAYS. I have the career I always wanted. Sure we have some shitty politics and systems in place right now but that's all the more reason why I want to be here. I want to help these kids this is my purpose.
Wait there is more!
This right here. This blog. Yes I am compelled to do it. I am screaming on these pages. I am letting it all out. I am uncensored and raw and I don't care. I am showing the world who I am. WAIT, its not brave. It's not heroic at all. because if you are reading this...big deal...maybe you relate...maybe my vomit makes you feel good about yours but the if you pulled back from the screen and actually took a look at me, I am sitting here alone. I am not telling anyone in my life anything I write. Part of me hopes they read it on the world wide web, part of me hopes they never see it all. For 42 years I have been writing, processing my feelings, justifying my choices through sentence structure. I feel relief in those moments and when I'm lucky I even get to higher ground but at the end of the sentence I am still alone, still hiding behind the words on the screen.
I don't want to be alone anymore. I don't want to believe I have to hide from the people who are standing right in front of me. I want to show my world who I am not the world. Maybe one day I will write again but for now I have to go fight for the people I love.
Good bye,
Beast
Two years ago today I wrote on Facebook that I was going to overcome my habits and take back my life. What a crock of shit!
Let's review:
I walked out of a terrible marriage. The first thing I did was get on dating apps so I could push him far away as possible. My only intent was to create new memories. To push him as far away from my thoughts as possible. I never intended on falling in love. I fell hard. I knew I wasn't ready. I knew I had work to do and I knew this was an intense kind of love. I tried to walk away but it was too hard. He was (is) someone I adore and look up to.
I started going to CODA but really I only went on average once a month. I had a lot of excuses about being tired and busy. However I did start to feel better. I was reading and I was listening. I revisited all the trauma in my life. I looked back and found how I got to the point in my life that allowed me to carry on such an unhealthy marriage. I changed a few habits and patterns and fell to my knees a lot less.
I got engaged to this wonderful man. I got the job of my dreams. I published my journals. I bought a house. I bought a car. I went on vacations. I was feeling good. I got pregnant and I had a miscarriage.
I wanted so badly to give this man a child. I felt like a failure. I felt like it wasn't meant to be. I was depressed and hid it. I hid it from me as well as everyone else. I started to hide my spending again little things here and there. Until all of a sudden it was a big thing. A woman read my book and believed I could do big things. She took all of my work from my past all of the stops along my journey and sold me my own life. She told me I could be great, heal the world and travel while doing it. I was going to be the next greatest life coach and mentor.
Yes of course that what I want. I worked hard. I deserve this. We started a journey together creating Stefani Michelle the brand. All while I was still working a very demanding full time job, being a mom and trying to work on myself. I was now trying to add more to my plate, my already very full plate. Why was I doing this? If I was doing this for the right reason why couldn't I share it with the most important people in my life. I hid it from everyone. I believed I needed to do it on my own.
I didn't want anyone to stop me, to talk me out of it, or show me the flaws in this very underdeveloped plan. Again I was hiding. I was hiding because back in the dark corners of my mind covered up in bullshit was a voice that said no one loves you and you must prove them wrong. You must show then that you are great. That you can do all the things they keep telling you, you can't do.
ALL THE WRONG REASONS
I don't want to drown myself in building a business. I keep get suckered to 'be my own boss". I allow the discontent in my heart the hole to be filled with pipe dreams. Then I look for ways to justify these dreams. Not once, not twice I can't even count how many times I allowed myself to fall for a dream I REALLY DONT CARE ABOUT. It's a pipe dream because its only about my ego. its only about filling the void. Its not what my heart really wants. I always wanted to be a teacher ALWAYS. I have the career I always wanted. Sure we have some shitty politics and systems in place right now but that's all the more reason why I want to be here. I want to help these kids this is my purpose.
Wait there is more!
This right here. This blog. Yes I am compelled to do it. I am screaming on these pages. I am letting it all out. I am uncensored and raw and I don't care. I am showing the world who I am. WAIT, its not brave. It's not heroic at all. because if you are reading this...big deal...maybe you relate...maybe my vomit makes you feel good about yours but the if you pulled back from the screen and actually took a look at me, I am sitting here alone. I am not telling anyone in my life anything I write. Part of me hopes they read it on the world wide web, part of me hopes they never see it all. For 42 years I have been writing, processing my feelings, justifying my choices through sentence structure. I feel relief in those moments and when I'm lucky I even get to higher ground but at the end of the sentence I am still alone, still hiding behind the words on the screen.
I don't want to be alone anymore. I don't want to believe I have to hide from the people who are standing right in front of me. I want to show my world who I am not the world. Maybe one day I will write again but for now I have to go fight for the people I love.
Good bye,
Beast
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