Letters from The Beast

Dear G, People keep asking me why letting go means letting them go. They say it seems selfish or like I’m being controlled. They think Thomas is trying to control me and isolate me from everyone I have ever loved before him. They have every reason to believe this in all honesty. It's not like I've ever made a good relationship choice in the past. I've had only addicts in my life from day one. I've chosen men who will recreate my trauma over and over and over again. I have closed my eyes tight and run through my day screaming hoping I'll come out alive. I've never taken responsibility. The truth is Thomas is part of the reason I am now, for the first time, seeing the mess I have made of myself. The Lost Boys, as the title suggests, was a fantasy I created for myself to escape the misery I was avoiding.  It's been over a year since the Beast has been uncovered, written, discovered, released and I have done some pretty deep digging into myself.  The

G, Today I want to cry. My anxiety is so high. I don’t know if it’s my family and my resentments toward them or the nightmares I’ve been having lately about the past. I also don’t know if me not feeling love from my fiancé is me or if it is him. He is less affectionate and seems to be pulling away. When I ask him again it is all on me and my insecurities. Am I a martyr? Have I chosen poorly? If I address the issue I get slammed. I always get slammed for my feelings by everyone, mom, dad, sister, and everyone I have chosen. I don’t want to be a martyr. I’ve never ever wanted to be the pity pot. I’d rather leave the world behind but is that being the pity pot also. Why is it so hard for me to find my way out of an emotional shit storm? Why can’t I defend myself? Maybe that’s it. Maybe it’s all of what I just said. All the doubt and fear I just wrote down. Maybe that is the only problem. Yes, I am an emotional shit storm so what, go fuck yourself! Yes, I need someone to hold me an

Dear G, I heard you say three things to me recently. You told me that we need to be united. Without the unity of family, friends and the heart we will let the fear win. I heard you tell me that peace is on its way. You have told me to let myself feel the anger when the anger happens. You’ve told me to accept it and then let it go. You are telling me not to let it ruin my relationships like I have always done in the past. I have been praying to be the change I want to see in the world and this is what you are showing me needs to be done. UGH I am mostly ok with this. I still have fear that no matter how nice and loving I am, no matter how happy I am, no matter how successful I am; my father will still lash out like a scared lion. I will do my part. I will invite him in but I will make it clear he has to leave his anger at the door. Maybe I will put up a burden basket for all visitors that come into my home.   Native American women used burden baskets to hang across the s

Dear G, Yesterday I went to church. In the past I have only gone to church as a guest of my friends. I have never belonged to a church or even believed in any specific organizations. I have identified as so many different belief systems in the past. I guess I haven’t found the right box. Growing up I told people I was spiritual that I identified more with the Native American traditions. I read all of Mary Summer Rain’s books about honoring our mother and listening to her heart, staying humble and grateful to all her gifts. I said I had more of an eastern belief system. I read about Buddhism and the Rig Veda. I meditated and become a Reiki master. I’ve prayed and tried to find connection through writing (kind of like I’m doing now). While I was married I often went to Temple. I loved the humanistic teachings I always heard. At Rosh Hashanah we turned ourselves around and started new for the New Year. I loved remembering what the Jews went through during Passover and staying humb

Dear G, I’ve been doing a lot of praying recently. Actually I have prayed my whole life. But I never really knew I was doing it “wrong” until recently. I usually pray when I’m angry. I pray when I’m in pain. I pray for justice to be brought to those I am angry with. I pray for justice to those who have hurt me. I pray for you to see my resolution of the situation, what I believe the future should look like. I pray for you to let me be in control of others lessons. I pray for my will to be done. I didn’t even know this is how I was praying. I believed that by saying “help them to see the truth” about their father, about their grandfather, about all the abusers and the sick that surround us that I was praying for their well-being. Really I was praying for the abusive to “get theirs”.   I was praying for them to feel the pain they have caused. I was praying for them to suffer. When I used to meditate I would see a vision. Was this vision the vision of my own creation or were

Happy Birthday! I can't believe I made it to 40! I can't believe I am alive! And dam for the first time ever it feels good to be alive!! The stories and the accusations of what David had done over the years kept coming. Three women accused him of rape, bartenders, waitresses, hookers, eight years of harassment and threats and blackmail toward an entire family, steroids, cocaine, alcohol, it just kept piling on. Throughout the years of our marriage I always Knew in my gut things were off but he made me believe I was crazy and I was happy to accept that role.  While all of this was unfolding, as I was finding out about the very real nightmare I had ignored for 12 years, another man was driving from California to Arizona. A man who would very literally save my life.  I found out my life was a lie right after Thanksgiving. In December I decided I wasn't going to die. I wasn't going to let The Beast win. I was and I am taking back my life! Fuck this, I am going to

I vividly remember the first time I broke up with someone I was addicted to. I could feel it rip through my veins. I'm sure if I ever detoxed from heroin or alcohol I would be able to tell you it was the same feeling. I physically felt sick and in pain. I thought I was dying. My skin pulsed like tiny heartbeats in every pore and my veins were on fire. I was on my bedroom floor wailing in pain and fear. I could feel the claws of the most recent beast ripping through of every muscle trying to keep a hold of me. I knew I was addicted to him the day I met him. He followed me around the bar for awhile before he approached. I watched him watch me. My girlfriend commented on his looks. She was intrigued but  I was already scared. When he finally approached me he asked if I had ever danced with the devil. He was quoting the Batman movie that was recently released but there was something about this line that was more than a movie quote. His words shook me and everything inside of me screa