So Many Voices

Dear G,

Yesterday I went to church. In the past I have only gone to church as a guest of my friends. I have never belonged to a church or even believed in any specific organizations. I have identified as so many different belief systems in the past. I guess I haven’t found the right box. Growing up I told people I was spiritual that I identified more with the Native American traditions. I read all of Mary Summer Rain’s books about honoring our mother and listening to her heart, staying humble and grateful to all her gifts. I said I had more of an eastern belief system. I read about Buddhism and the Rig Veda. I meditated and become a Reiki master. I’ve prayed and tried to find connection through writing (kind of like I’m doing now).

While I was married I often went to Temple. I loved the humanistic teachings I always heard. At Rosh Hashanah we turned ourselves around and started new for the New Year. I loved remembering what the Jews went through during Passover and staying humble. I also loved giving thanks for the oil that stayed lit for 8 days. At least these were the messages I heard for 12 years.

Yet my heart was always connected to Jesus. I’ve told people that I feel him as my family. I pray (talk) to him like he is an older brother I lost in death. I almost feel protective of him, like people don’t understand him and therefore I don’t want to talk about him. I am embarrassed by the heart connection I feel and embarrassed by the misconception of him. I almost loathe when people use his name for worship. He is not who we are to “worship”. Yes, we can ask him to help us see right, speak right, and love right. We ask him to guide us in our daily practices. The goal though is to feel love, to be love and to show compassion and love. The goal is to be of service to each other.

I always perceived worship as putting the responsibility onto JESUS. Saying we are not responsible for our path. I believe we are responsible for our path and even in our mistakes we are loved. I do not believe in a hell or in chosen people. We are all chosen to live and to love and to learn and to allow each other to do the same.

Church reminded me yesterday that while I am responsible, I am not in control. I can only do my best but what becomes of my best is in the hands of a higher consciousness. That consciousness could be a god in created images. That consciousness could be a collective energy created by the living. That consciousness could be broken into many different realms assigned to their own living species. With all the different types of philosophies for living that I have read, church reminded me that if I listen to the right voice, I will receive the right answer. The questions do not matter as much as the open mind, soul and heart I need to receive the gifts.