Emotional Shit Storm

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G,

Today I want to cry. My anxiety is so high. I don’t know if it’s my family and my resentments toward them or the nightmares I’ve been having lately about the past. I also don’t know if me not feeling love from my fiancé is me or if it is him. He is less affectionate and seems to be pulling away. When I ask him again it is all on me and my insecurities. Am I a martyr? Have I chosen poorly? If I address the issue I get slammed. I always get slammed for my feelings by everyone, mom, dad, sister, and everyone I have chosen. I don’t want to be a martyr. I’ve never ever wanted to be the pity pot. I’d rather leave the world behind but is that being the pity pot also. Why is it so hard for me to find my way out of an emotional shit storm? Why can’t I defend myself?

Maybe that’s it. Maybe it’s all of what I just said. All the doubt and fear I just wrote down. Maybe that is the only problem. Yes, I am an emotional shit storm so what, go fuck yourself! Yes, I need someone to hold me and tell me they love me and let me know over and over again that I am the only one! Yes, I am emotionally high maintenance and if you can’t handle it if you can’t be that support I need GO FUCK YOURSELF!

I am better off alone than living with fear and self-doubt.

Now G if you could give me the strength and the right words to stand up for myself I would really appreciate it.  




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