Saying Goodbye

Dear G,

People keep asking me why letting go means letting them go. They say it seems selfish or like I’m being controlled. They think Thomas is trying to control me and isolate me from everyone I have ever loved before him. They have every reason to believe this in all honesty. It's not like I've ever made a good relationship choice in the past. I've had only addicts in my life from day one. I've chosen men who will recreate my trauma over and over and over again. I have closed my eyes tight and run through my day screaming hoping I'll come out alive. I've never taken responsibility.

The truth is Thomas is part of the reason I am now, for the first time, seeing the mess I have made of myself. The Lost Boys, as the title suggests, was a fantasy I created for myself to escape the misery I was avoiding. 

It's been over a year since the Beast has been uncovered, written, discovered, released and I have done some pretty deep digging into myself. The friends who I once thought were my world I have realized were my fantasy. I created an escape from reality by glorifying each one into these perfect relationships that no one else could compete with. 

Randy was the one who I gazed up at the stars with. Who I told myself wanted nothing from me but my company. The truth is we did fool around, we always did but I convinced myself because we never had sex it was innocent. One night we were out with friends back when we were young and I (for some reason) happened to be telling them how Randy always cheats on his girlfriends with me. What the fuck was I thinking? Was I trying to be cool? Was I trying to make it hurt less that he never picked me to be his girlfriend? Or was I plainly just an asshole? Either way the person I was telling this to said to me "have you ever thought it was you he was cheating on this whole time?"

What?!? 

I had no words. I just pretended I didn't hear it and I pretended it didn't hurt. I pretended.....

Randy came back into my life when the Beast was waking up a year ago. 40 years old a friend for almost 30 and after all of this we had sex. I again pretended. I pretended like he cared. I pretended he was there to comfort me but really he was just like all the other boys and I was just like all the other girls. For many years we both claimed to be best friends but the reality is we both found comfort in the game of pretend. 

During the years of my marriage there was one person who became a fantasy to me much more than Randy. Moonie was my safe place. The nights David didn't come home or was too drunk to climb the stairs I would escape my bedroom by pretending I was at the beach with Moonie. I would cry to him and tell him all my fears. I pretended he was the love of my life, that he was my missed soulmate. Some nights my dreams felt so real and the conversations so vivid, I truly believed they were happening. Over the years I would even reach out to him and tell him I dreamt about him. He said he didn't remember meeting me in my dreams but I was convinced we were spending time on the astral plane safe in each other's arms. 

Once I woke up from the nightmares I had to wake up from the dreams. Randy and Moonie and many others from my past may never understand why I have to let them go. I have to stay present. I have to face my fears. I have to stop drifting off into a land of make believe. It's time to put my all into this world and give it what I've got. 

Through my marriage, closing my eyes to David allowed me to retreat back to Moonie and Randy. I dreamt of happiness. I spoke to them of my pain. I felt their love in order to avoid the loneliness in my bed. For 12 years I visited Neverland where everyone who loved me lived and I was able to pretend life was wonderful. 

Dear Lost Boys,

I am letting go of the past. This means the pain and the pleasure. If I am going to heal I need to see today. I need to say goodbye to what once was. I need to say goodbye to who I was. I need to take responsibility for the bullshit life I created. If we have more than a relationship built on what once was I have no doubt I will see you again. I am saying goodbye to the fantasy I created when I needed to escape from The Beast.