Let's Talk about Sex

Dear G,

 

You know what the most damaging part of my childhood was? It wasn't the molesting or the drugs in the house. It wasn't even the emptiness, the loneliness of a sick mom, two teenage sisters or a dad that worked in another state. It was the silence. 

 

The silence was when the demons would

come out to play. I couldn't talk about or ask questions about my parents locked I their room smoking joints every night. I had to make up my own stories. I couldn't ask my sisters about puberty or sexuality because my father shamed them for theirs. So I made up stories. I couldn't talk to counselors about me feelings, my perspectives or my stories because I was told "I needed help like I needed a new dress". 

 

I was made to believe that being me was bad and I should be quiet. I should make up stories. I truly never thought I was a liar because the stories were real to me. My excuses became my crutch my silence became my church and my self love became extinct. 

 

I shut up that's for sure. I put in a happy face (until the explosions would come) and closed my eyes but I never stopped writing my stories. My stories are what continue to save me. I still can't sit in silence as much as I would like. I am forced to write when silence enters. The only difference now is that my stories are here in a domain for people to see. One step  at a time for breaking the silence.

 

One of my very first CD's was Simon and Garfunkle. I would listen to The Sound of Silence over and over again as a child. I knew those words and they knew me. I would cry and I would write and I would soak in the shame. 

 

Tom taught me how to talk again. Sometimes he still has to yell at me to talk when the darkness hits, when the shame sets in, when I'm caged by silence. I've made up a story that he will hate me if I talk. He will turn his back on me if I express the ridiculous feelings I am experiencing. Nothing I have said so far has turned him away. 

 

Holy hell sometimes it hurts like thorns through my heart to speak my emotion. The silence is my chaos, my conditioned safe place but not my truth. I have been wanting to scream and fight for truth for nearly 42 years. I've screamed for so long about stories and lies. This weekend, during casual conversation, my sister mentioned that I always fought with her in my head. She said she never knew when I was mad at her because she was too busy. It was nice to get confirmation that the silence was real at least that was true.

 

I titled this let's talk about sex because it's our biggest taboo. Why can't we talk about it? My sister said to me one day "when you can talk about sex with the person you are having sex with, then you know it's right". 

 

The silence in the bedroom is the beast. The silence about drugs, alcohol and codependency is our killer. Talk to me. Talk to anyone. Just talk! No, scream! Let it out! Nothing about us is sinful or shameful. We are supposed to enjoy this gift called life. Make it great. Make it meaningful. Make it count!