Stories Lies and Excuses

-



Dear Anxiety, 


I know you're fear based and I've learned a lot about my fear. There once was a time that going grocery shopping was like those dreams you have a kid, you know going to class without a shirt or pants or (was that just me?). Anyway the point is it was terrifying. If I had to go by myself (which luckily was barely ever because I wasn't trusted with money) but if I did, I stuttered and trembled like a dope addict. I think the money thing was my excuse to get out of having to do the shopping. I'd buy $14 guacamole that will piss him off. Or maybe I really just wanted the best guacamole in the world. The thing with anxiety is most of the time you can tell what stories, lies or excuses. 

 

I finally feel comfortable going to the grocery store. If it weren't for the memories you wouldn't even know I ever had a problem. The guacamole I but now is only $8. 😉

 

One down so much more to go. You want to know what  doing now (besides writing) I'm walking. I'm walking through the neighborhood with my notes app open. I'm doing this because I had to drop off my girls at cross country at 5 which meant I could make the five o'clock Orangetheory class. Oh but wait I could make the 530 CrossFit class, no I should do that my sinuses are really bad today.

 

FUCK FUCK FUCK

The longer I lie the bigger it all gets (literally). I have a million excuses. This isn't the first time.

 

Mother fucker! I just walked into. Low hang branch every single fiber just jumped. Excuse me while I go pick up my skin.....

 

Okay where was I? Oh gym anxiety is worse than grocery shopping anxiety. I have verbally been screaming about it go r at least six years now. I can lift the weights, I can tell m the race, I'm not afraid of the work. I'm afraid of the Beast. AHHH I LITERALLY FEEL LIKE I WILL BE ATTACKED SEXUALLY AND PSYCHICALLY. I have asked for help, a buddy, someone to hold me accountable, kick my ass.

 

The psychic attacks are worse than sexual attacks. Sometimes I even pray for the real attack so the voices, the eyes, the unspoken words, the fucking silence stops. 

 

My stories and excuses are so deeply embedded I've got myself convinced. I've even tried to give up fighting and just become sedentary. That makes it all worse, the fear, the depression, the self loathing. I can't give up this fight. It's not who I am. I will fight my own stories, lies and excuses until they have no power over me. 

 

One down. So many more to go.  

 

Why am I telling you all my secrets? 

Because if they are no longer secrets they no longer have power over me. 

Wait!

I'm not talking to anyone!

I'm writing! 

I'm using my crutch!!

 

FUCK FUCK FUCK

 

Body=excuses

Mind=lies

Soul=stories

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

BEST FRIEND

-
Image
I love how we tell each other our secrets and feel safe with our shallow side I love that the outside world only knows our deep and compassionate side. I love that in the darkness I can see your tears and you can see mine. I love that when it hurts the most Together and individually we still shine. We take adventures Enjoy the climb Eat every morsel Dance in the divine Life is full of belly laughs and stopping time Remember the night we stayed up looking beyond the milky way all of a sudden we were smaller than the Whos in Whoville I said you were my best friend And I meant it, every time But then we let go Set each other free find out who we want to be Not having to answer to anyone Not having to put on the face Takes away the insecurity Provides me the space To look in the mirror and Believe in what I see You let me go Allowed me to be free I can finally look in the mirror And I’m proud to be me I
Read more

MY APOLOGIES

-
Image
I’m sorry for making you the villain. I’m sorry I outed your flaws. I’m sorry I screamed your name in horror And wrote it on walls. I didn’t know the beast was living in me. I thought about what you had done thought I was free But after I left you That’s when it started to show The demon inside began grow In my head fantasies were dying The light of truth Crept in Eyes wouldn’t stop crying I believed I was your victim your prey I thought the only way to escape was to scream your name in vain My apologies for the smear campaign I wish I could say it was only once But this note is for everyone who's ever lost my trust I was living in the shadows, dwelling in the fear. Creating dark dance spaces Offered you a beer I lured you into my space Showed you my pain I wanted you to cut me So blood would rush my brain. I used you to help me bleed. Rele
Read more

I COULD, I CAN, I WILL, I AM

-
Image
All I see are visions of beauty Passing me by The life I may create In a world full of hate Is a destined one My finger tips are hot The perfection still is not why do you walk by me All I see are visions of beauty Passing me by I Take the road to higher ground I taste your soul hear your sound what we have will be tomorrow why do you walk by me All I see are visions of beauty Passing me by I’m on the verge of bliss not locked in your kiss Why can’t I feel The visions of beauty The life I may create Is without a world of hate
Read more