Letters from The Beast

Dear God, Two years ago today I wrote on Facebook that I was going to overcome my habits and take back my life. What a crock of shit! Let's review: I walked out of a terrible marriage. The first thing I did was get on dating apps so I could push him far away as possible. My only intent was to create new memories. To push him as far away from my thoughts as possible. I never intended on falling in love. I fell hard. I knew I wasn't ready. I knew I had work to do and I knew this was an intense kind of love. I tried to walk away but it was too hard. He was (is) someone I adore and look up to. I started going to CODA but really I only went on average once a month. I had a lot of excuses about being tired and busy. However I did start to feel better. I was reading and I was listening. I revisited all the trauma in my life. I looked back and found how I got to the point in my life that allowed me to carry on such an unhealthy marriage. I changed a few habits and patterns and fe

Dear Sunshine, I used to say I don't have any regrets. I believed my bad choices and my hard trials were lessons that moved me forward. However I have a huge regret (I have more than one) that its time I face. I've written about  it before but even in that entry it reared its ugly head. This regret is the stories lies an excuses. I am dam good at justification. I am dam good at telling myself why I can't. I lose the battle constantly. I know its part of the depression, anxiety and PTSD but I also know I can do better. I know what its like to follow through and how good it feels, yet I continue to beat myself with my own game. I still haven't found comfort in myself!!! what the fuck. I can't look at pictures of you and not feel jealous and insecure but part of me feels like you are doing it on purpose. You are trying to get me to react. You either want to prove that you are right about me and I am too insecure  for you or you want me to just go the fuck away

Dear Sunshine, I have a bachelors degree in communication. I literally studied the science of how to talk to each other. My favorite class was simply called "Rhetoric" and it taught about how speaking and asking questions was the tool that gave all the great philosophers their knowledge. Professionally I am very good at this skill. Personally I am lacking. What gets me in trouble is the emotion I attach to my personal life. If I go into a conversation without any attachment I would have a very successful moment of communication. I could participate in an exchange of ideas. Once I put my heart into the conversation it all changes. The anxiety pumps through my veins and my head becomes a parade of noise from all my experiences. "If the trauma isn't treated, the mind will be triggered, leading the body to go into shock, which makes the body feel like it's back in the original trauma." Chris Tremain Licensed counselor So let's take a look bac

Good Morning Sunshine, I'm experiencing a ripping of layers at the moment. The physical pain is real but necessary. It's like exfoliating your soul. let me try to explain. For about 6 months I was on a steady climb of healing. I had awakenings and epiphanies and moments of absolute joy. I got to a higher me and then to a plateau. I could feel the next wave coming toward me but I had no idea where it was coming from or if I could stop it. Then it hit. It hit like a ton of brick. Who knew there could be so much more to heal. I recognized that I was creating happiness from the things I was buying and the happenings I was surrounding myself with. Scrap, scrape, scrape. OUCH MOTHER F'ER! But the tides are still coming. The next is my inability to "go through it". Fighting with the man I love and allowing him time and space is indescribably painful. I want to just make it stop! Time and space is my heroin withdrawal. I need to get it over with or get more

Dear Sunshine, February has been just like old times, a surge of depression and fear. It really makes my head spin in all sorts of directions. Pause..... These past three weeks have been a few steps backwards. I felt the fall coming. I recognized that awkward space I was sitting in. I heard my thoughts start becoming focused on fear and doubt. The thing is, it was slow and steady. It first came as a creative block. I could write or post pictures. I couldn’t paint. I wasn’t motivated to express myself in anyway. I think it’s started because I become aware of how irresponsible I had been with money in the past year. The reality is I had never been scared of finances and for the first time ever I felt fear surrounding my finances. Nothing changed in my life. I still have my career and my business..... Pause.... I went to my CODA meeting. I had a phone conference and then I went home to have a long talk with my fiancé. Today is March 2nd. I have been trying to w