Riding the Wave

Dear Sunshine,




February has been just like old times, a surge of depression and fear. It really makes my head spin in all sorts of directions.


Pause.....

These past three weeks have been a few steps backwards. I felt the fall coming. I recognized that awkward space I was sitting in. I heard my thoughts start becoming focused on fear and doubt. The thing is, it was slow and steady. It first came as a creative block. I could write or post pictures. I couldn’t paint. I wasn’t motivated to express myself in anyway.

I think it’s started because I become aware of how irresponsible I had been with money in the past year. The reality is I had never been scared of finances and for the first time ever I felt fear surrounding my finances. Nothing changed in my life. I still have my career and my business.....

Pause....

I went to my CODA meeting. I had a phone conference and then I went home to have a long talk with my fiancé.

Today is March 2nd.

I have been trying to write this post for a week. Something wasn't right.

Last night I heard something I had never heard before. I've know I had a spending problem. I've known that I like shiny things. I've known that glitter and gold make me happy. What I  didn't know is that I was buying glitter and gold to MAKE me happy. The exact sentence that was spoken to me was "happy is what is happening and joy is what is on the inside". Let me explain. I thought I had found happiness on the inside. I thought I was in joy. That is until I ran out of money.

I would have thoughts of "I want this, oh wait, I have to save money, I can do this, go here, plan ..." But I was doing good and stopping myself. Each time I did this I stressed about money. I didn't realize the happiness wasn't being fulfilled. I didn't realized that there was a hole I was used to filling in these moments with things, that was no longer being filled. The insecurities and the demons were now escaping through the hole that I had plugged with gold and glitter. Slowly they leaked out and slowly I  was taken over by the sadness.

BOOM

Shit! Here I was lying in bed with the same fear and anxiety and demons circling my head. Here I was with the same suicidal thoughts that had plagued my life for 40 years. what was happening? Where had my happiness gone. Well, that's just it. It was happiness from the happenings of gold and glitter. I had bought a house. I had bought a car. I had bought diamonds. I had bought lavish dinners. I had bought country club memberships. I had bought a great big tattoo. I had bought vacations. I had paid off debt. I had a new wardrobe and packed on the pounds of love. I had done this all with cash and all within a year. I had happenings. Things were happening and I was happy.

I stopped happening and I started fighting. Fighting against my fear. Fighting against my anxiety, self doubt and depression. Mother Fucker I had no idea I was crashing from a high until it was over and I heard him say "happiness is what's happening and joy is what's on the inside". I am an addict! I just like the way "things and stuff" feel as opposed to drugs and alcohol (not a fan). 

I titled this entry a week ago "Riding the Wave" because I intended to write about how depression comes an goes and how we can't always be the best version of ourselves. I intended to write a similar entry to this one but I thought the ending would be different. I thought it would go something like "forgive yourself and move forward" or something like "these are the seasons of our life" you know, riding the wave of emotion and all the great stuff but what I found out while I listened to my surroundings and the god in my life is another sickness I have.

I still forgive myself and I'm grateful for our seasons but the real lesson is the recognition of the addiction. Now with this recognition I am free to find the Joy and stop living in Happiness(ings). I am free to ride the wave in joy!