Enjoy the Silence
Dear Sunshine,
I used to say I don't have any regrets. I believed my bad choices and my hard trials were lessons that moved me forward. However I have a huge regret (I have more than one) that its time I face. I've written about it before but even in that entry it reared its ugly head. This regret is the stories lies an excuses.
I am dam good at justification. I am dam good at telling myself why I can't. I lose the battle constantly. I know its part of the depression, anxiety and PTSD but I also know I can do better. I know what its like to follow through and how good it feels, yet I continue to beat myself with my own game.
I still haven't found comfort in myself!!! what the fuck. I can't look at pictures of you and not feel jealous and insecure but part of me feels like you are doing it on purpose. You are trying to get me to react. You either want to prove that you are right about me and I am too insecure for you or you want me to just go the fuck away. All aspects of your life huh? You have no responsibility? You haven't done anything to get us here?
FUCK YOU
FUCK THIS DEMON
I am not here for you! I am here for me! Break free!!!!!!!
Okay if I am focusing on me. What am I doing for me? Really where even am I? Waiting for the AP job to be mine.
UGH!!!!!!!!!
I can't get you out of my mind to give myself any room to breathe. Mother fucker, you have gotten me out of yours and removed yourself from me. You are in a relapse and you don't even know it. Roar all you want your still fucking up. Mr. perfectly healed you have your fucking excuses also. You have been depressed for a minute and blamed me. You have tried to control fucking everything around the house. Now you are taking testosterone and it is too much. You still want to blame me. I never fucking held you back from anything. I supported everything you ever wanted to do and now you are finally self sufficient and I am the asshole.
You are the first one ever I don't want to walk away from but mother fucker how long can I hold on? How do I get back to me? Who the fuck am I? What do I trust? Where do I go from here?
This is what I told you;
1) Allow people who know you, who see the best in you, who encourage you, who will stay positive for you, into your life. Let in the cheerleaders.
2) Get a physical release for your old habits and patterns. You may not know what they are right now but they will be revealed. Ask yourself while you run, walk, hike, do yoga, 'how did I get here'?.
3)Be open and honest with yourself. Something happened once that created a perspective you've been holding onto. What was it and why has it been hard to let goof? What have you recreated in your life that is unhealthy?
4) Find a support group, church any anonymous group or even meditation groups. You will need people. You will need to be able to tell them your story and listen to theirs. You are not alone eve though you feel like you are.
5) Find your heart. Who were you before the pain? Who were you before the trauma that created the bad habits? What did you believe about life? What were your dreams and who was your god?
I wrote those five steps to healing a day or two before I hit the bottom again. This time I am in a different place. SILENCE SILENCE SILENCE. I have never done well with it. I always have music on to drown out the noise in the silence.
1) Let me see, who are my cheerleaders? I always have my work family. I attract the most amazing people to work with. I have got that on lock. I certainly feel my worth at my job from the people in my life there. My family is in a good place in my heart. I have come to terms with all of it, the ups the downs and the in between and I am grateful they are still with me. Before I always reached out to people in the distance who can't be touched physically or emotionally. I've kept it all shallow. Fuck that! I'm letting you all in now. I need real support.
2) I haven't gone to the gym in a week because of course the gym I go to is the gym where SILENCE works. I have to do something. I actually have no energy though because the anxiety creates a constant shake that actually drains the shit out of me. So how do I stop that and balance this out into a productive release? okay fuck
3) Honesty! I want love and respect and happiness. I want a team mate who can go with me through the downs and who I can go through downs with, mine or his. Truth! I want to feel safe and secure and not 'need" or freak the fuck out. I want to be adored the way I adore. I want confidence and the ability to know the demons that creep in and I want to kick those mother fuckers out. I want to be able to block his hits so I don't get hurt by his insecurity. I think this is going to take awhile. Like a fucking year or some shit. I don't see this as being a quick fix. I need to focus on me. Truth is GET OUT OF MY HEAD! Will Smith says the battle is on the inside. NO SHIT!!!! I mean I love you Will. I respect your words and even shared them on social media. I am supposed to be reflecting and getting to the core of this bullshit but it really fucking loud in here.
4) I am going to CODA so fuck off.
5) What do I believe? I believe in love. I believe in passion, deep tantric, artistic passion. I believe we were meant to experience life and happiness. I believe our hell is self created. I believe nothing is real and nothing matters. I believe perception is reality. I believe we are all connected. I BELIEVE.....
The truth is, this whole still exists. I don't know what I believe. On my mothers bedroom door the poem Footprints hung and every night I would stand outside her door crying and alone. I wanted to knock on the door and have them save me from my pain but instead I stood there and I read. I read that poem over and over again and not once did I ever believe it in my heart.
I used to say I don't have any regrets. I believed my bad choices and my hard trials were lessons that moved me forward. However I have a huge regret (I have more than one) that its time I face. I've written about it before but even in that entry it reared its ugly head. This regret is the stories lies an excuses.
I am dam good at justification. I am dam good at telling myself why I can't. I lose the battle constantly. I know its part of the depression, anxiety and PTSD but I also know I can do better. I know what its like to follow through and how good it feels, yet I continue to beat myself with my own game.
I still haven't found comfort in myself!!! what the fuck. I can't look at pictures of you and not feel jealous and insecure but part of me feels like you are doing it on purpose. You are trying to get me to react. You either want to prove that you are right about me and I am too insecure for you or you want me to just go the fuck away. All aspects of your life huh? You have no responsibility? You haven't done anything to get us here?
FUCK YOU
FUCK THIS DEMON
I am not here for you! I am here for me! Break free!!!!!!!
Okay if I am focusing on me. What am I doing for me? Really where even am I? Waiting for the AP job to be mine.
UGH!!!!!!!!!
I can't get you out of my mind to give myself any room to breathe. Mother fucker, you have gotten me out of yours and removed yourself from me. You are in a relapse and you don't even know it. Roar all you want your still fucking up. Mr. perfectly healed you have your fucking excuses also. You have been depressed for a minute and blamed me. You have tried to control fucking everything around the house. Now you are taking testosterone and it is too much. You still want to blame me. I never fucking held you back from anything. I supported everything you ever wanted to do and now you are finally self sufficient and I am the asshole.
You are the first one ever I don't want to walk away from but mother fucker how long can I hold on? How do I get back to me? Who the fuck am I? What do I trust? Where do I go from here?
This is what I told you;
1) Allow people who know you, who see the best in you, who encourage you, who will stay positive for you, into your life. Let in the cheerleaders.
2) Get a physical release for your old habits and patterns. You may not know what they are right now but they will be revealed. Ask yourself while you run, walk, hike, do yoga, 'how did I get here'?.
3)Be open and honest with yourself. Something happened once that created a perspective you've been holding onto. What was it and why has it been hard to let goof? What have you recreated in your life that is unhealthy?
4) Find a support group, church any anonymous group or even meditation groups. You will need people. You will need to be able to tell them your story and listen to theirs. You are not alone eve though you feel like you are.
5) Find your heart. Who were you before the pain? Who were you before the trauma that created the bad habits? What did you believe about life? What were your dreams and who was your god?
I wrote those five steps to healing a day or two before I hit the bottom again. This time I am in a different place. SILENCE SILENCE SILENCE. I have never done well with it. I always have music on to drown out the noise in the silence.
1) Let me see, who are my cheerleaders? I always have my work family. I attract the most amazing people to work with. I have got that on lock. I certainly feel my worth at my job from the people in my life there. My family is in a good place in my heart. I have come to terms with all of it, the ups the downs and the in between and I am grateful they are still with me. Before I always reached out to people in the distance who can't be touched physically or emotionally. I've kept it all shallow. Fuck that! I'm letting you all in now. I need real support.
2) I haven't gone to the gym in a week because of course the gym I go to is the gym where SILENCE works. I have to do something. I actually have no energy though because the anxiety creates a constant shake that actually drains the shit out of me. So how do I stop that and balance this out into a productive release? okay fuck
3) Honesty! I want love and respect and happiness. I want a team mate who can go with me through the downs and who I can go through downs with, mine or his. Truth! I want to feel safe and secure and not 'need" or freak the fuck out. I want to be adored the way I adore. I want confidence and the ability to know the demons that creep in and I want to kick those mother fuckers out. I want to be able to block his hits so I don't get hurt by his insecurity. I think this is going to take awhile. Like a fucking year or some shit. I don't see this as being a quick fix. I need to focus on me. Truth is GET OUT OF MY HEAD! Will Smith says the battle is on the inside. NO SHIT!!!! I mean I love you Will. I respect your words and even shared them on social media. I am supposed to be reflecting and getting to the core of this bullshit but it really fucking loud in here.
4) I am going to CODA so fuck off.
5) What do I believe? I believe in love. I believe in passion, deep tantric, artistic passion. I believe we were meant to experience life and happiness. I believe our hell is self created. I believe nothing is real and nothing matters. I believe perception is reality. I believe we are all connected. I BELIEVE.....
The truth is, this whole still exists. I don't know what I believe. On my mothers bedroom door the poem Footprints hung and every night I would stand outside her door crying and alone. I wanted to knock on the door and have them save me from my pain but instead I stood there and I read. I read that poem over and over again and not once did I ever believe it in my heart.
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