Layers
Good Morning Sunshine,
I'm experiencing a ripping of layers at the moment. The physical pain is real but necessary. It's like exfoliating your soul. let me try to explain.
For about 6 months I was on a steady climb of healing. I had awakenings and epiphanies and moments of absolute joy. I got to a higher me and then to a plateau. I could feel the next wave coming toward me but I had no idea where it was coming from or if I could stop it. Then it hit. It hit like a ton of brick. Who knew there could be so much more to heal.
I recognized that I was creating happiness from the things I was buying and the happenings I was surrounding myself with.
Scrap, scrape, scrape.
OUCH MOTHER F'ER!
But the tides are still coming. The next is my inability to "go through it". Fighting with the man I love and allowing him time and space is indescribably painful. I want to just make it stop! Time and space is my heroin withdrawal. I need to get it over with or get more heroin. Having it slowly burn through me is absolute fucking torture.
I am clear that it is the codependency that makes this happen. I am clear that it is the abuse, trauma and loneliness I have felt my whole life that created this type of addiction. I know I have to retrain my brain. It's these moments of fear, doubt and waiting that make me want to lose my shit.
You know what though, the truth is, if this was two or three years ago I would definitely be having a major anxiety attack. The fact that my eyes are only slightly puffy and the anxiety is not stopping my appetite is actually much higher ground.
Being Codependent might be a result of the trauma but the anxiety and depression are a mixture of nature and nurture and the PTSD is definitely the from the abuse. All of this was here when I was 19 and so much worse then. However the beast still lives inside of me and dam it is strong.
There is no one way for us to heal but there are ways. I have searched my whole life to be at peace with who I am; the spirituality, the education and now the 12 step meetings. Every time I consciously work with myself and take a look in the mirror and every time I heal a little more. Today I am not thinking of running away or ending the journey. I am scared of what the journey will bring me in the morning. Things may change.
Change has always meant pain and suffering but now change means growth and joy. It still hurts but I will survive.
I'm experiencing a ripping of layers at the moment. The physical pain is real but necessary. It's like exfoliating your soul. let me try to explain.
For about 6 months I was on a steady climb of healing. I had awakenings and epiphanies and moments of absolute joy. I got to a higher me and then to a plateau. I could feel the next wave coming toward me but I had no idea where it was coming from or if I could stop it. Then it hit. It hit like a ton of brick. Who knew there could be so much more to heal.
I recognized that I was creating happiness from the things I was buying and the happenings I was surrounding myself with.
Scrap, scrape, scrape.
OUCH MOTHER F'ER!
But the tides are still coming. The next is my inability to "go through it". Fighting with the man I love and allowing him time and space is indescribably painful. I want to just make it stop! Time and space is my heroin withdrawal. I need to get it over with or get more heroin. Having it slowly burn through me is absolute fucking torture.
I am clear that it is the codependency that makes this happen. I am clear that it is the abuse, trauma and loneliness I have felt my whole life that created this type of addiction. I know I have to retrain my brain. It's these moments of fear, doubt and waiting that make me want to lose my shit.
You know what though, the truth is, if this was two or three years ago I would definitely be having a major anxiety attack. The fact that my eyes are only slightly puffy and the anxiety is not stopping my appetite is actually much higher ground.
Being Codependent might be a result of the trauma but the anxiety and depression are a mixture of nature and nurture and the PTSD is definitely the from the abuse. All of this was here when I was 19 and so much worse then. However the beast still lives inside of me and dam it is strong.
There is no one way for us to heal but there are ways. I have searched my whole life to be at peace with who I am; the spirituality, the education and now the 12 step meetings. Every time I consciously work with myself and take a look in the mirror and every time I heal a little more. Today I am not thinking of running away or ending the journey. I am scared of what the journey will bring me in the morning. Things may change.
Change has always meant pain and suffering but now change means growth and joy. It still hurts but I will survive.
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