Communication 101
Dear Sunshine,
I have a bachelors degree in communication. I literally studied the science of how to talk to each other. My favorite class was simply called "Rhetoric" and it taught about how speaking and asking questions was the tool that gave all the great philosophers their knowledge. Professionally I am very good at this skill. Personally I am lacking.
What gets me in trouble is the emotion I attach to my personal life. If I go into a conversation without any attachment I would have a very successful moment of communication. I could participate in an exchange of ideas. Once I put my heart into the conversation it all changes. The anxiety pumps through my veins and my head becomes a parade of noise from all my experiences.
"If the trauma isn't treated, the mind will be triggered, leading the body to go into shock, which makes the body feel like it's back in the original trauma." Chris Tremain Licensed counselor
So let's take a look back into February. I spoke the words "the only thing I regret is not having enough time to find myself first". That's when things started to get bad and the fighting wouldn't stop. Shit, I think it was literally the next day. It's been about four days now that we haven't spoken. I'm not going to lie. It's really confusing. I never believed that you should go to bed angry. I have struggled with "talk to me,, talk to me, talk to me'' in all of my relationships. I viewed silence as the killer. It's a mixed bag of "working it out and fear". Needless to say after the crazy that forced them all to talk, it was me who eventually walked away. I tried to force him to talk this time (and even though he can't see it because he doesn't know how bad I was before him) I stopped before it got seriously out of hand. It's only been two days since I stepped back and gained the chance to find myself. These two days have giving me a lot of clarity. Although I am full of anxiety I am excited to organize myself and get back to me.
Someone very close to me recently said 'if it looks the same every time it is about you not them". The person I am battling is my own mind. She said "when you don't feel good change the thought". I continue to go to a place where I ignore myself, I ignore my thoughts, and little by little the triggers bring me back to the trauma. It's so small each time that I barley notice it or a I play it off like "eh"; until I wind up here.
Now let's take it back even further. Two years ago I met an amazing man, who adored me from day one. I could listen to him talk for hours but I knew I wasn't ready. I was broken and needed to fix myself. I even walked away and told him I couldn't be with him. He won me over in the end and taught me how to listen to the honesty and speak my truth no matter how hard it was. He taught me that all my omissions or privacy of information was a way of hiding and lying about who I am. He showed me the door to my own healing. I walked in. I started to grow. There have been so many moments I can look back on and feel enormous gratitude, ah ha moments and serious self reflection.
However as far as I have come I still have a long way to go. This journey has led me to a crossroad with the man I fell in love with way to soon. My journey is long and the holes are deep and he feels the pressure of my scars. Look I am not in anyway taking full responsibility for this place I stand at in the moment but his story is not mine to tell.
Communication! Mindful Self talk! Partners that can be honest with themselves and each other!
This is what I want to change:
I will allow myself to be 100% about everything I do. I want to be able to say "hey I want to do a $10 a month IPSY subscription" or have a conversation about my vision for my business. I don't want to fear rejection, screams and negative energy. The only way to get over that fear is to talk through it. Have communication first. There is an old saying 'ask for forgiveness not permission" ITS BULLSHIT! DONT LISTEN TO IT!
I will listen to my self talk everyday. I currently say small things that are self defeating out of habit not out of belief and the effect me, they pull me down. They set off triggers each time I allow my mind to "go there" I am not a girl who will be beat down by the beast! I am a women who beat him down! I have already overcome and there is no reason for me to revisit these dark places.
I have a bachelors degree in communication. I literally studied the science of how to talk to each other. My favorite class was simply called "Rhetoric" and it taught about how speaking and asking questions was the tool that gave all the great philosophers their knowledge. Professionally I am very good at this skill. Personally I am lacking.
What gets me in trouble is the emotion I attach to my personal life. If I go into a conversation without any attachment I would have a very successful moment of communication. I could participate in an exchange of ideas. Once I put my heart into the conversation it all changes. The anxiety pumps through my veins and my head becomes a parade of noise from all my experiences.
"If the trauma isn't treated, the mind will be triggered, leading the body to go into shock, which makes the body feel like it's back in the original trauma." Chris Tremain Licensed counselor
So let's take a look back into February. I spoke the words "the only thing I regret is not having enough time to find myself first". That's when things started to get bad and the fighting wouldn't stop. Shit, I think it was literally the next day. It's been about four days now that we haven't spoken. I'm not going to lie. It's really confusing. I never believed that you should go to bed angry. I have struggled with "talk to me,, talk to me, talk to me'' in all of my relationships. I viewed silence as the killer. It's a mixed bag of "working it out and fear". Needless to say after the crazy that forced them all to talk, it was me who eventually walked away. I tried to force him to talk this time (and even though he can't see it because he doesn't know how bad I was before him) I stopped before it got seriously out of hand. It's only been two days since I stepped back and gained the chance to find myself. These two days have giving me a lot of clarity. Although I am full of anxiety I am excited to organize myself and get back to me.
Someone very close to me recently said 'if it looks the same every time it is about you not them". The person I am battling is my own mind. She said "when you don't feel good change the thought". I continue to go to a place where I ignore myself, I ignore my thoughts, and little by little the triggers bring me back to the trauma. It's so small each time that I barley notice it or a I play it off like "eh"; until I wind up here.
Now let's take it back even further. Two years ago I met an amazing man, who adored me from day one. I could listen to him talk for hours but I knew I wasn't ready. I was broken and needed to fix myself. I even walked away and told him I couldn't be with him. He won me over in the end and taught me how to listen to the honesty and speak my truth no matter how hard it was. He taught me that all my omissions or privacy of information was a way of hiding and lying about who I am. He showed me the door to my own healing. I walked in. I started to grow. There have been so many moments I can look back on and feel enormous gratitude, ah ha moments and serious self reflection.
However as far as I have come I still have a long way to go. This journey has led me to a crossroad with the man I fell in love with way to soon. My journey is long and the holes are deep and he feels the pressure of my scars. Look I am not in anyway taking full responsibility for this place I stand at in the moment but his story is not mine to tell.
Communication! Mindful Self talk! Partners that can be honest with themselves and each other!
This is what I want to change:
I will allow myself to be 100% about everything I do. I want to be able to say "hey I want to do a $10 a month IPSY subscription" or have a conversation about my vision for my business. I don't want to fear rejection, screams and negative energy. The only way to get over that fear is to talk through it. Have communication first. There is an old saying 'ask for forgiveness not permission" ITS BULLSHIT! DONT LISTEN TO IT!
I will listen to my self talk everyday. I currently say small things that are self defeating out of habit not out of belief and the effect me, they pull me down. They set off triggers each time I allow my mind to "go there" I am not a girl who will be beat down by the beast! I am a women who beat him down! I have already overcome and there is no reason for me to revisit these dark places.
Comments
Post a Comment