Keep Rising

Dear Sunshine,

The heartbreaking moments, the moment we interpret as heartbreaking will forever be part of the journey. Life, love and death continues to bring. To say we are enlightened beyond the point of sorrow is something I don't believe exists. The pain of the selfish the pride and the ego are part of the experience. How we move on after these moments become our enlightenment. 

Today was my daughters Bat Mitzvah and although I am not Jewish, I was the one who took her to temple for 11 years. I was one who made sure she was put together that she was on time (although we were always late). I was the one who sat in the lobby for hours waiting for her because home was too far away to drive there and back. I was the one who went to services when her Jewish father was too busy doing well....

I sat with his mother to make her happy to make him happy to make everyone else happy. 

And here we are the day all the efforts come together. The family is called to stage and guess who is not there. I am not there. I was not asked to be on stage (I wasn't even going to be invited) when my daughters family is called up. I didn't even want to come today because well...apparently I'm not her family. 

But I did, for her, to make her happy. But you know what, I don't think this is making her happy. She knows I am not up there with her. She knows I have been excluded. It is a sadness brought in by ego and selfishness. Her father and his mother read from the Bible about pain and putting aside ego and pride. The passages both consist of moving forward and healing from the past. It was a perfect show for the friends and family.

It hurts my ego that I have been put on the outside but it does not hurt my heart. She is my daughter and no matter how many gifts they lavish upon her, no matter how many empty words they whisper in her soul, she knows the truth. She knows truth and love deep in her heart, deeper then this act. The irony of the empty words spoken by each who approaches that podium make me sad and angry. Sitting here reeking of the circus, I want to stand up and laugh in the face of this bullshit calling out each and everyone. It's not just my ex-in-laws who reek but each one around them with a fake smile painted on like the clowns running in the ring. Instead, I am writing. I am looking for the reason I have been brought to this show. Then I see her glow. She is up there making them all happy and we are here receiving her glory. I have a real peace in my heart and I feel sad that the show continues for so many. 

Sunshine, sometimes we are closest to God while drowning in the river of tears. Open up and listen. You're cleansing your soul, releasing the toxins.

This morning when I woke, I thought about my baby girl and her big day. I opened my phone to check my emails and the morning entertainment. The first thing I saw was a video compilation of Robin Williams most heartfelt words, the words that to our hearts, the words that contain the real purpose for life. He spoke about love and passion. He spoke about being there unconditionally. He said "the human race is filled with passion, medicine, law, business and engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life; but poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for; that you are here for, that life exists" -Dead Poets Society and as I sit here in this temple I can't help but reflect on all the pain that rages in the name of religion and the drive to sustain life but none of it is what we are here for. All the words spoken in the name of God are nothing without true love. What matters most is love.

Today at the podium I see her up there a beautiful young lady. I remember her and I and the love we share that only exists with us. At birth I bathed her in the sunlight on my bed as she was born a little yellow. For the first six months of life she slept on my chest and I lied awake not moving a muscle. I slept in her hospital bed with her for two weeks while the doctors tried to figure out the tumor that kept growing. I read to her every night and sang with her every morning. There is so much more that will never be replaced that will live in our hearts forever, a bond that only her and I share. This is love. This is you god. This is what lives in her heart. This is life. She will remember all the soccer practices I went to and when I screamed like the perfect soccer mom on the sidelines.  She will remember the nights we fell asleep together because we all suffered from nightmares when it was just her myself and her brother. She will remember the millions of dance parties and all the laughing the three of us shared. This moment when they exclude me from being her family is nothing. It's ego. It's pride. It is not love.

What this moment has taught me is that living in the land of make believe is something I will never do again. Living my truth and being a happy loving person does not mean I let them all in. 🦋

This is the journey. That is my purpose. I will love and I will be love and no matter how hard they try to break my heart to fill their own, they can't. I'm sure moments like this will continue to fill life's experience. I struggled for so long thinking that in order to be a healer I had to love everyone. I had to be happy every moment and smile at all the darkness. That is not who I am as a healer. I don't believe now that anyone really lives in a perfect enlightened state. What a confusing standard we put in place. What we do is we keep rising. We keep going. We know when to walk away and when to stay. We know that sometimes we will sit among the broken and we may even feel the pain but we will rise and we will keep rising.