Freedom
I've worked hard to find my freedom.
I read books. I went to therapy. I studied meditation, Reiki and self healing for over 20 years. During all of that breaking the habit of fear and self doubt was still there. I was comfortable in, well no I was far from comfortable, I believed suffering was a way of life. I believed it was just the way you lived. Ya know, the way life was going to be after the trauma ended, filled with PTSD, nightmares and anxiety.
It is not like that. We do not have to suffer. Twice this weekend I was asked "if it ever goes away". There are still nights I have nightmares and mornings I wake up with anxiety. I can't make the memories go away. Sometimes I still jump if someone sneaks up on me. Its not as bad as it used to be. I still have a hard time being present. That survival mechanism is a hard habit to break.
What is different is that none of that controls me anymore. When the demons dance in the shadows of my mind I remember to the light in my heart and that I am beyond the shadows. When I wake up with anxiety, fear and self doubt I remind myself I am no longer living with abuse. I took down my walls faced my fear and walked free. I took back my life. I remind myself that I am in control and I make the decisions and I decide happiness.
Back in the 90's it was popular to say "we are souls having a human experience" it was a way of giving ourselves permission to make mistakes and fall into old habits. We had this hippie belief that being a spiritual leader meant loving everyone. We needed to give ourselves permission to feel our anger and depression. We needed to give ourselves permission to have our journey. The people we looked up to, our spiritual guides were always in a constant state of forgiveness. Or so it was thought they should be.
I had a conversation with a women in the early 2000's who was going through some friendship drama. One of those friends happened to be Katherine. The one who taught us and took us to Sedona. I clearly remember her saying "I thought she was supposed to be enlightened". There was no freedom in this judgement of what being spiritual was supposed to look like.
This never felt right to me. I fought for my freedom against the image of perfection. I fought with the notion of "giving myself permission". WTF? Don't tell me its okay to feel this way. I know its fucking okay because it what is happening. I was always looking for someone to teach me how to not feel that way. Not because it wasn't okay but because it hurt. Shit! Sorry I digress.
HA then I figured it out! I let you be you by accepting every part of me. My self worth and the amount of love I feel has nothing to do with you. It never did!
I read books. I went to therapy. I studied meditation, Reiki and self healing for over 20 years. During all of that breaking the habit of fear and self doubt was still there. I was comfortable in, well no I was far from comfortable, I believed suffering was a way of life. I believed it was just the way you lived. Ya know, the way life was going to be after the trauma ended, filled with PTSD, nightmares and anxiety.
It is not like that. We do not have to suffer. Twice this weekend I was asked "if it ever goes away". There are still nights I have nightmares and mornings I wake up with anxiety. I can't make the memories go away. Sometimes I still jump if someone sneaks up on me. Its not as bad as it used to be. I still have a hard time being present. That survival mechanism is a hard habit to break.
What is different is that none of that controls me anymore. When the demons dance in the shadows of my mind I remember to the light in my heart and that I am beyond the shadows. When I wake up with anxiety, fear and self doubt I remind myself I am no longer living with abuse. I took down my walls faced my fear and walked free. I took back my life. I remind myself that I am in control and I make the decisions and I decide happiness.
If I wake up feeling less than amazing I ask myself why. I ask myself what is the real fear I am experiencing in my heart, often times it is that this wonderful life is the dream and the nightmare is reality, UGH I hate that one. I go in a circle at first and then I laugh. I laugh because the only thing that matters is love. Whatever the fear is, that is the illusion. I push out that feeling of fear that some mornings pops up out of habit and I remember the only thing that is real is the way I feel. The more I feel love the more receive. The more I feel fear the more I receive. So why would I choose fear, again?
Back in the 90's it was popular to say "we are souls having a human experience" it was a way of giving ourselves permission to make mistakes and fall into old habits. We had this hippie belief that being a spiritual leader meant loving everyone. We needed to give ourselves permission to feel our anger and depression. We needed to give ourselves permission to have our journey. The people we looked up to, our spiritual guides were always in a constant state of forgiveness. Or so it was thought they should be.
I had a conversation with a women in the early 2000's who was going through some friendship drama. One of those friends happened to be Katherine. The one who taught us and took us to Sedona. I clearly remember her saying "I thought she was supposed to be enlightened". There was no freedom in this judgement of what being spiritual was supposed to look like.
This never felt right to me. I fought for my freedom against the image of perfection. I fought with the notion of "giving myself permission". WTF? Don't tell me its okay to feel this way. I know its fucking okay because it what is happening. I was always looking for someone to teach me how to not feel that way. Not because it wasn't okay but because it hurt. Shit! Sorry I digress.
HA then I figured it out! I let you be you by accepting every part of me. My self worth and the amount of love I feel has nothing to do with you. It never did!
I AM FREE!
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