Step 5
Dear G,
Step 5 was and continues to be the most powerful thing I ever did. Step five says we have to admit all the things we have done wrong. I like to call this step "admit that I am an asshole too". I know I wrote in the Step 4 post that it was a combination 4/5. The truth is the whole book The Beast and all of these letters on this blog are and always will be a step 4 and a step 5.
It wasn't until I said it out loud, that my life began to change. writing it all down in this blog and the book before, was cleansing, is cleansing but it's not a connection. It's not that primal heart energy we all share and need. Sitting down in those meetings and talking about the mistakes I made and allowing people to listen to me was the bravest thing I ever did for myself. Every week while I was attending I would shake and tremble with anxiety. I knew I was going to talk. I knew I was going to let it all out, loud. I knew I was going to be for the first time honest about who I was and where my journey had led me.
I would listen for as long as I could. Some nights I would listen the entire hour before I would gather the courage to speak but that was rare. Most nights I would go first. I would ramble for the entire time allotted. Half the time I didn't even know what I had said once I was finished but I was bursting. I had to speak. I had to admit who I was for good and for bad. I had to become whole again.
Through that journey I began to feel like me. Like all the noise I had gathered through my life all the excuses all the walls all the boundaries I had built were coming down. For the first time I started giving myself permission. I gave myself permission to be loved. I gave myself permission to trust, really trust, trust myself. I gave myself permission to live in joy. Before I shared out loud I never knew what I was feeling. I think this was because I had no practice at identifying it and processing it.
In the past few months after many months of talking, processing and allowing myself to feel, the most amazing things began to happened. They may seem trivial as I write them but to a stubborn Capricorn and private Scorpio (both me) it was a HUGE HUGE deal. I found myself having my usual temper tantrum (which means being angry and stubborn and justifying it all) but instead of holding onto that energy, instead of proving I'm right, it took seconds for me to stop myself in my tracks and change my attitude. I was able to say I was feeling hurt. I was able to say I was feeling insecure and then I was able to let it go. Each of these times were with my fiance and my kids. It was an amazing thing and completely changed the energy that was about to ruin our day. It also changed the entire relationship because we were able to talk about it.
REALLY!!! I never opened up like this NO I never admitted. I never admitted or could identify in the moment what I was feeling. I would freak out then right about it. I would process on my own then apologize after the damage was done. This for me has allowed me freedom.
Step 5 was and continues to be the most powerful thing I ever did. Step five says we have to admit all the things we have done wrong. I like to call this step "admit that I am an asshole too". I know I wrote in the Step 4 post that it was a combination 4/5. The truth is the whole book The Beast and all of these letters on this blog are and always will be a step 4 and a step 5.
It wasn't until I said it out loud, that my life began to change. writing it all down in this blog and the book before, was cleansing, is cleansing but it's not a connection. It's not that primal heart energy we all share and need. Sitting down in those meetings and talking about the mistakes I made and allowing people to listen to me was the bravest thing I ever did for myself. Every week while I was attending I would shake and tremble with anxiety. I knew I was going to talk. I knew I was going to let it all out, loud. I knew I was going to be for the first time honest about who I was and where my journey had led me.
I would listen for as long as I could. Some nights I would listen the entire hour before I would gather the courage to speak but that was rare. Most nights I would go first. I would ramble for the entire time allotted. Half the time I didn't even know what I had said once I was finished but I was bursting. I had to speak. I had to admit who I was for good and for bad. I had to become whole again.
Through that journey I began to feel like me. Like all the noise I had gathered through my life all the excuses all the walls all the boundaries I had built were coming down. For the first time I started giving myself permission. I gave myself permission to be loved. I gave myself permission to trust, really trust, trust myself. I gave myself permission to live in joy. Before I shared out loud I never knew what I was feeling. I think this was because I had no practice at identifying it and processing it.
In the past few months after many months of talking, processing and allowing myself to feel, the most amazing things began to happened. They may seem trivial as I write them but to a stubborn Capricorn and private Scorpio (both me) it was a HUGE HUGE deal. I found myself having my usual temper tantrum (which means being angry and stubborn and justifying it all) but instead of holding onto that energy, instead of proving I'm right, it took seconds for me to stop myself in my tracks and change my attitude. I was able to say I was feeling hurt. I was able to say I was feeling insecure and then I was able to let it go. Each of these times were with my fiance and my kids. It was an amazing thing and completely changed the energy that was about to ruin our day. It also changed the entire relationship because we were able to talk about it.
REALLY!!! I never opened up like this NO I never admitted. I never admitted or could identify in the moment what I was feeling. I would freak out then right about it. I would process on my own then apologize after the damage was done. This for me has allowed me freedom.
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