Try again

-

Who do I want to be and what path do I take? Who am I as a love warrior? What does it mean and what does it look like? How do I let go of ego each and every day over and over again? 

In recovery you discover there is no happy ending, actually you start to come to terms with - there is no ending at all. There is no destination and it’s not all a glorious journey you continuously learn from. Sometimes we don’t learn, sometimes we fuck up just the same as we did in the past. It’s not even that easy to forgive yourself over and over and over again. Shoot it’s even a battle to love yourself.
What a silly concept, not being able to love yourself. Think about it. Why would you be afraid of yourself. Are you going to hurt you, betray you, belittle you and even abuse you? YES! That’s exactly what we do! How crazy is that?

In recovery we try each and every day to make this one a little better than the last and if it isn’t, we try again. The point is we don’t give up! That’s all there is, a new day, a chance to do better, an opportunity to not give up.

Right now in our society mental illness is a popular subject. That’s great, it should be. People should talk about it. It should not be taboo. We should also add in to that conversation, recovery. What’s being glorified at the moment is reasons why we kill ourselves. The abuse we endure and the overwhelming pain. They tell us to call the hotline and they tell you we are here to support you. If you care share this number, let them know someone is always listening. The thing is, I can’t always talk. Hell I don’t always know why I am crying or why I want to kill myself, all I can really do is pray for another day to come, another opportunity to try again.

Who do I want to be? It changes every day. It will always change. I want to be someone who makes a difference. I want to save my own life. I want to give my kids every opportunity to make tomorrow the best day ever!  

The only path I know to take is the path of writing. It’s my tool, my happy place. The part that makes a difference in my life. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

BEST FRIEND

-
Image
I love how we tell each other our secrets and feel safe with our shallow side I love that the outside world only knows our deep and compassionate side. I love that in the darkness I can see your tears and you can see mine. I love that when it hurts the most Together and individually we still shine. We take adventures Enjoy the climb Eat every morsel Dance in the divine Life is full of belly laughs and stopping time Remember the night we stayed up looking beyond the milky way all of a sudden we were smaller than the Whos in Whoville I said you were my best friend And I meant it, every time But then we let go Set each other free find out who we want to be Not having to answer to anyone Not having to put on the face Takes away the insecurity Provides me the space To look in the mirror and Believe in what I see You let me go Allowed me to be free I can finally look in the mirror And I’m proud to be me I
Read more

MY APOLOGIES

-
Image
I’m sorry for making you the villain. I’m sorry I outed your flaws. I’m sorry I screamed your name in horror And wrote it on walls. I didn’t know the beast was living in me. I thought about what you had done thought I was free But after I left you That’s when it started to show The demon inside began grow In my head fantasies were dying The light of truth Crept in Eyes wouldn’t stop crying I believed I was your victim your prey I thought the only way to escape was to scream your name in vain My apologies for the smear campaign I wish I could say it was only once But this note is for everyone who's ever lost my trust I was living in the shadows, dwelling in the fear. Creating dark dance spaces Offered you a beer I lured you into my space Showed you my pain I wanted you to cut me So blood would rush my brain. I used you to help me bleed. Rele
Read more

I COULD, I CAN, I WILL, I AM

-
Image
All I see are visions of beauty Passing me by The life I may create In a world full of hate Is a destined one My finger tips are hot The perfection still is not why do you walk by me All I see are visions of beauty Passing me by I Take the road to higher ground I taste your soul hear your sound what we have will be tomorrow why do you walk by me All I see are visions of beauty Passing me by I’m on the verge of bliss not locked in your kiss Why can’t I feel The visions of beauty The life I may create Is without a world of hate
Read more