Frozen

I had my first freeze. I couldn't help. I didn't know how to stop her tears or what to say. For the first time in my career I felt useless.

As she cried and told me she was scared I said nothing.

As she cried and told me she didn't know what to do I said nothing. 

She had been hurt the same way I had been hurt.

This was not the first time I had talked to a rape victim. 

This was the first time I talked to  a middle school girl who couldn't figure out the difference between what felt right and what felt wrong.

I could feel her anxiety, her confusion. I know that beast well.

I couldn't separate her from me. I had become her. In that moment I was a 12 year old girl again. 

Inside I wanted to find him and hurt him and kick his stupid fucking ass but I had to hide that.

I had to say something to help.

I had to suspend her.

All I really had to do was suspend her. You can't have sexual activity at school regardless if she wanted it or not.

I called another teacher on campus to help, to say something to give this 12 year old girl hope. 

I froze as every range of emotion ran through my body. Anger at the other 12 year old kids, anger at my 12 year old kid for being 12. All that anger was really  fear.

All of those 12 year olds did nothing. My kid did nothing. But I found myself so full of anger and fear and reliving middle school nightmares. 

I also had to suspend the boy and in doing so I found that his thoughts of suicide are just as real as hers.

I had to call for help again but this time to the state crisis intervention team. My thoughts of anger towards him quickly melted away and I became sad and overwhelmed. How do I keep them all safe?