Happy Days

Dear Santa,

It’s that time of year December. I love December. Well I did as a child.

I loved sleeping on the couch by the fire place and watching the Christmas tree sparkle and dance. As a child I never dreamed of Santa or Toys like other kids did. Sure I was excited in the morning to open presents but I was more excited to sing Christmas songs the weeks before and feel the warmth and glow of the fire and the beauty of the world around me. It was the beauty and the spirit that was awakened in  people that made those weeks between Thanksgiving and my Birthday spectacular.

We had an old piano in my house growing up. I kept a couple books of Christmas carols in the bench of the piano. Every year I would take them out. I could sing each song correctly because I knew how to read music but I never learned to play the piano. Every night I would sing each song cover to cover. Well sometimes I would skip around. I didn’t like the songs about the tree as much as I liked the songs about the birth of Christ. My favorite song was O Little Town of Bethlehem. I don’t remember anyone being around during these nights. I remember sometimes my mom would be cooking in the kitchen and my dad would get home from work late at night. I don’t know where my sisters were. I never knew where they were. I don’t even know if they lived at home during these memories. Even as a teenager during my darkest nights this time of the year was my favorite. I remember going to midnight mass with my friends and getting all dressed up. I mean maybe we were drinking a little before we showed up to the church but once I was there I was in tears at how beautiful the world looked for the moment and how happy the people were.

I loved giving my friends gifts. I wanted to them to know I loved them. I don’t remember what any of those gifts were or even if I had received any. I mostly remember the shopping and thinking about “what should I get her”.  That was the exciting part. The entire month of December was always so much more than just Christmas. I spent most of my time forgetting about the past and focusing on the present and joy in life. For some reason it was during this time that I had the most faith in angels and in the human spirit. It was always during this time that I felt I could forgive and let love in. It was like fear took a vacation.

That was of course until I met David. I gave up who I was for him. He didn’t force me to change who I was but simply said, If I wanted to be with him change is what needed to happen. I don’t know if I was too insecure to walk away then or if I just wanted the happy ending. Maybe I truly didn’t believe in myself anymore. Maybe I had already given up inside. When he told me if I wanted to marry him I would have to give up Christmas I didn’t even truly think about what that meant for me. I thought about all the shallow perceptions of Christmas. I thought, sure I don’t have to do the labor of putting up tree. Why didn’t I recognize how much I loved putting up a tree?

Through the years however I secretly told my kids that Santa was real. I do believe Santa, you are real. To me Santa is the energy, the manifestation of miracles. Many hearts are focused on miracles during December and therefore miracles happen. I kept the spirit alive inside of me hidden for 12 years.

Then Thomas came in and today my house is full of smells of Christmas and sparkling lights and joy and love. He holds my hand as we sit on the couch  in  front of the fire place watching the tree dance. He also tells the kids that Santa, the human spirit of kindness, forgiveness and miracles is real.

 Dear Santa,

Thanks for waiting for me.