Letters from The Beast

Dear Mom, I have been in education for 13 years. I have worked in two school districts during this time. The district and city I currently work at embrace a philosophy dreamt up by Rick Miller. These kids live in this low socio economic city and once upon a time would have been considered Youth at Risk. Rick Miller saw an opportunity to change the perspective. Instead of believing these kids had the potential to fail he opened up eyes all over the country to show how these kids had the potential to succeed, just like any other kid in America in any neighborhood.       I have always had similar beliefs and now I have a package for them, a box I fit into, but I also believe in kids with other challenges not just socio economic as an obstacle. We know there are ways to overcome socio economic obstacles and we view these triumphs as a hurdle won and conquered. What about the kid who can’t escape their situation? The kid who will have to overcome their obstacles time and time a

Dear Wife,   You don't know me but you could look at social media and easily find out how I know you. I know something about your life that is none of my business. The thing is, once upon a time people knew things about my life that were none of their business as well.     No one was given a choice to know the things they knew. It was my husband who played games and lived a not so secret life. The world around me struggled with the information they had and they often questioned if they should speak the truth to the wife whose life was none of their business.     Truth be told I wouldn't have believed them anyway. I would have thought they were assholes and I would have been mad at them and cut off our friendship. I wound up cutting off all the friendships in the end anyway. Not because they didn't tell me. I understood the dilemma and conundrum they felt as they spoke about me in their kitchens.     "That poor women." I could hear them

Dear Sanity,   There was a time when I enjoyed adventure. I had forgotten about those days. For so long I was convinced that I had social anxiety and that I was crazy, that I imagined beasts that I had forgotten how adventurous I was. I can now remember the days I first got my license. I would get in my car and just drive. I couldn't wait to meet new people, do new things. It first started with the next town over and the high schools close, Harbor Fields, Kings Park, Huntington, Whitman, Cold Spring Harbor. As I wrote this different people could me to mind, memories I had forgotten, laughs I had buried. Eventually I made friends with people I'm Commack then Breezy Point. Weekend after weekend I would pack my car full of Northport friends and head out of town. Sometimes we had a destination other nights we just drove. Now that I think about it San Francisco and Sedona in my younger years we're done the same way. It was about finding myself but also finding adventure.

He asked me what have I done? Where is the manual? When does it become more than just journaling about the pain? 'Not everyone can overcome their pain with journals"  I guess now is when I start to talk about the upward spiral instead of the downward.     There is healing there is a point to my writing other than release. I have spent hours reading about how to  heal from the inside. I studied the world religions to find a truth that would sit with  my heart. Without that journey and the lessons I have learned I would certainly not be here to write about the pain and trauma. Let me remind you of the first time I was saved. This was when I traveled to Sedona with Kathryn and really the learned the art of meditating, Reiki and cultural equality. I spent two years studying with her. We read the Rig Veda, excerpts from the  bible, Native American rituals and writes of passage. We read the "The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying". I went through seminars a

21 Keys is a professional workshop that my school district strongly believes in. Every teacher in our district gets this training in  their second year. I am fortunate enough to be part of this district and have the opportunity for personal and professional growth. 21 Keys is put out by the Pacific Institute and written by Lou Tice. This is my interpretation of the keys and how they can help me change my life.   Key One Conditioning and Perception Noise from the past shapes your perception of the present. STOP THE NOISE We behave and act not in accordance with the truth but how we believe. Our conditioning creates a sensory that blocks information out of your environment. Lou Tice calls this our scotoma. The problem with scotoma (blind spots) is we don't know where they are and when we can't perceive something we make it wrong. This is part of our conditioning. One of my blind spots is my self worth. My experiences have given me a lot of doubt and fear. I've been c

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Little girl lost, I know you still hurt. I know you're still angry. I know you are angry with me. Most of all I know you are strong. I know you will heal. I know you will do the right thing. I know you will kill the beast.    I promise you I still suffer for the Beast that I battle. I still suffer for keeping my eyes closed from the very beginning.    There was a red banner flying over his childhood home. When I met his mother I could feel the beast's breath hot in the room. When he disappeared for 13 hours during the days of our engagement I felt the blood of the beast enter my veins as I accepted the ring back. When I woke up in his mother's home at 6 o'clock in the morning without a trace of him I signed the deal and the beast took over my life. I gave up to him before I ever spoke out vows. I let the beast control my life from that point on. He had my soul and I was dead inside.    I'll tell you what I sold my soul for, a beautiful house,

Is it hormones? Is it bi polar disorder? Is it trauma? I started to track the ups and downs. Two weeks ago I was clearly high and for the first time I actually told people I was feeling High. I acknowledged that my emotions were up so far up that I couldn’t even get a handle on the happiness and the excitement I was feeling. I told Tom that I felt “un-controllably happy”. Two weeks before that I felt low, so low that I wrote another entry about the pain and how I wanted it to end. Today I feel that same desperation. So clearly there is a cycle but the thing is right before every crash there has been a trigger. A month ago it was a miscarriage, today it’s the letter I received from my ex-husbands victim.   LOW 13 reasons why not  I must have just written my one millionth suicide note. This time I imagined all my kids were at their fathers houses and I sent my sister an urgent message to come to my house after she got off of work. This way I would ensure that my body was

I believe in something greater than myself. This week I found two black feathers on two different days. I also found a small silver cross that I attached to my key chain and right before my daughter found something about her father her head smelled like my grandmother who  had passed before she was born. I believe that if I listen I will hear the truth. I know that I turned it all off for many years and I am ready now to receive. This morning I woke up to the very lengthy Facebook message from "Nola". It is time I  listen. I have been praying for help. I have been asking to make the suffering of my children end. I believe that somewhere in her message lies the answer. I closed my eyes and I would escape. I turned my back on everyone that needed me. I used to believe my fantasies were part of the greater purpose. I now know they were only part of my survival. FEAR IS A LIAR and fear is all I listened too. Many people but especially Nola are ma at me for turning my bac

Can I depend on anyone? Can I trust  you with my true feelings? I  have ben making up who I am and what I feel for so long for the sake of others. Can you handle me when I show you the truth? If you see the break down inside of me how scared will you really get? I can go to a meeting now and put it all on table. Look at it! Look at it! It's grotesque. I can write a book and answer your questions but who will walk with me? Will I always feel deeply alone? Just a monetary smile during the work hours for you to see. I  play some great roles, Mom and Teacher are currently the best I have to offer.  But when the night falls and the walls come down will anyone ever really be there with  me? What if I could depend on me and trust myself without feeling alone? Would I have to give anything up? Is it possible to give myself the priority that I long for? Is it possible to fill the void on my own? I have been trying to fill the void with people for so long, what will life be like on

Am I controlling? Yes! I thought I had controlled my control issues by becoming an educator. There is a lot we can control in our classroom. I've realized I was only disguising my control issues. If people didn't do as I perceived "the right way" I walked away from them. I was essentially sending out the message, behave according to my perception of reality or go away. Although I believed I was an excepting, forgiving, non-judgmental person, really I am exactly like everyone else, completely self-centered and judgmental. The only difference is I was hiding it. What's the difference between being powerless and being empowered? When I try to feel something on the inside but trying to control the outside I feel powerless and frustrated. Empowered means the inside feelings do not depend on my outside circumstances. When I let go of expectations I gain the freedom I have been looking for. The freedom to  live without strings, without fear, and freedom to be me.