Step two

I believe in something greater than myself. This week I found two black feathers on two different days. I also found a small silver cross that I attached to my key chain and right before my daughter found something about her father her head smelled like my grandmother who  had passed before she was born.


I believe that if I listen I will hear the truth. I know that I turned it all off for many years and I am ready now to receive. This morning I woke up to the very lengthy Facebook message from "Nola". It is time I  listen. I have been praying for help. I have been asking to make the suffering of my children end. I believe that somewhere in her message lies the answer.


I closed my eyes and I would escape. I turned my back on everyone that needed me. I used to believe my fantasies were part of the greater purpose. I now know they were only part of my survival. FEAR IS A LIAR and fear is all I listened too.


Many people but especially Nola are ma at me for turning my back. I don't blame them. I am mad at me for allowing the beast to live inside of me and take over. I chose to ignore all the signs before we were even married. I chose to ignore the years of grooming he put me through. Grooming me to go to sleep and live like a zombie. I knew it was happening. His friends told me in subtle ways  he is a rapist. I was even told about how he would break into a girls window when he was in high school. I hated myself and I wanted his lies to  be real. I wanted to be loved. I  wanted to be in control of finding love. I felt so hopeless and powerless lies were all I  had.


I believe in a higher power. I do not know what that looks like but I know what it feels like. I believe in the power of thought and intention and my new intention in  to heal to stay open and honest at all costs and to never let fear rule my world again. I believe the only way I can stop the cycle for others is through complete honestly and healing. The truth is I knew I was sleeping with a monster.


I have come to believe that going back to the beginning before I lost myself, going deep into my heart I will restore my connection to love. I have come to believe that I have always had the connection all along inside of me and it is time to restore it.      


My part
My heart


I told her he was just friendly
I didn't tell her he was broken


My part
My eyes


I showed her a father
I didn't show her a rapist


My part
My lips


I spoke words of a fantasy
I could speak the truth


My part
My power


I was looked up to
I shouldn't have been


My part
My past


I told her I was healed
I should have told her I was dead inside


My part
My Peace


"God help me align with your power in my life. Teach  me to express and assert that power as I go through my day"


Show me the way to help others and teach me to stay present and open to the truth.