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Letters from The Beast

This is the battle of The Beast that lives inside of me. The Beast is the perceived realities created by years of abuse and mental illness. This is my path to recovery and the everyday battle to stay happy and peaceful in my heart. My book "The Beast" is on Audible and Amazon.

EYES WIDE SHUT

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- August 03, 2017

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The Keys - Part One

- August 17, 2017

21 Keys is a professional workshop that my school district strongly believes in. Every teacher in our district gets this training in their second year. I am fortunate enough to be part of this district and have the opportunity for personal and professional growth. 21 Keys is put out by the Pacific Institute and written by Lou Tice. This is my interpretation of the keys and how they can help me change my life. Key One Conditioning and Perception Noise from the past shapes your perception of the present. STOP THE NOISE We behave and act not in accordance with the truth but how we believe. Our conditioning creates a sensory that blocks information out of your environment. Lou Tice calls this our scotoma. The problem with scotoma (blind spots) is we don't know where they are and when we can't perceive something we make it wrong. This is part of our conditioning. One of my blind spots is my self worth. My experiences have given me a lot of doubt and fear. I've...

Little girl lost

- August 07, 2017

Little girl lost, I know you still hurt. I know you're still angry. I know you are angry with me. Most of all I know you are strong. I know you will heal. I know you will do the right thing. I know you will kill the beast. I promise you I still suffer for the Beast that I battle. I still suffer for keeping my eyes closed from the very beginning. There was a red banner flying over his childhood home. When I met his mother I could feel the beast's breath hot in the room. When he disappeared for 13 hours during the days of our engagement I felt the blood of the beast enter my veins as I accepted the ring back. When I woke up in his mother's home at 6 o'clock in the morning without a trace of him I signed the deal and the beast took over my life. I gave up to him before I ever spoke out vows. I let the beast control my life from that point on. He had my soul and I was dead inside. I'll tell you what I sold my soul for, a beautifu...

Step one and a half

- August 01, 2017

Can I depend on anyone? Can I trust you with my true feelings? I have ben making up who I am and what I feel for so long for the sake of others. Can you handle me when I show you the truth? If you see the break down inside of me how scared will you really get? I can go to a meeting now and put it all on table. Look at it! Look at it! It's grotesque. I can write a book and answer your questions but who will walk with me? Will I always feel deeply alone? Just a monetary smile during the work hours for you to see. I play some great roles, Mom and Teacher are currently the best I have to offer. But when the night falls and the walls come down will anyone ever really be there with me? What if I could depend on me and trust myself without feeling alone? Would I have to give anything up? Is it possible to give myself the priority that I long for? Is it possible to fill the void on my own? I have been trying to fill the void with people for ...