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Letters from The Beast

This is the battle of The Beast that lives inside of me. The Beast is the perceived realities created by years of abuse and mental illness. This is my path to recovery and the everyday battle to stay happy and peaceful in my heart. My book "The Beast" is on Audible and Amazon.

EYES WIDE SHUT

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- August 03, 2017

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WHAT HAPPENED THAT NIGHT

- May 19, 2018

Dear Arizona Board of Education, For two years I have been working on my masters degree while trying to get national board certified. During this time my husband started a new business and is not home most days until after 10pm. Our two children and I barely see him. I found out recently that my sister-in-law and her husband are getting a divorce and so is my own sister. Two divorces in one year. Our families are incredibly close and this has had a major impact on all of us. I graduated ASU but failed board certification. I felt proud and disappointed. I had never failed anything in my life. I earned the promotion I wanted so I threw myself into the position in order to escape the roller coaster of emotions I was experiencing in my personal life. I felt like I was losing every branch of my family. At the end of the year I was told the school district no longer had the budget for instructional coaches and the position was being eliminated. I was losing ...

THE END

- March 09, 2018

Dear God, Two years ago today I wrote on Facebook that I was going to overcome my habits and take back my life. What a crock of shit! Let's review: I walked out of a terrible marriage. The first thing I did was get on dating apps so I could push him far away as possible. My only intent was to create new memories. To push him as far away from my thoughts as possible. I never intended on falling in love. I fell hard. I knew I wasn't ready. I knew I had work to do and I knew this was an intense kind of love. I tried to walk away but it was too hard. He was (is) someone I adore and look up to. I started going to CODA but really I only went on average once a month. I had a lot of excuses about being tired and busy. However I did start to feel better. I was reading and I was listening. I revisited all the trauma in my life. I looked back and found how I got to the point in my life that allowed me to carry on such an unhealthy marriage. I changed a few habits and patterns and f...

Faith

- October 18, 2017

Dear Beast, Justice isn't always served, well not in the way we can see. I did everything I could to get my kids away from a rapist. Every single piece of information I was given I shared, I posted, I published in a book. I took ownership a long time ago for marrying a rapist but I am not going to continue to pay for that mistake. I was shallow and blind and prayed off my weakness. He kept me locked in my own hell and tortured woman around me. I will not take the blame for his actions against women. I did not rape you. Little girl lost, he did. I did not invite you into my home, you begged for me to bring you peace. I did not even choose this fight, you came to me again two years later and asked me to do it for you. If you want to back out that is okay also. I will also have to back out. I will continue to pray that you find peace. I know you say you are happy and god knows I hope that is true but why seek me out ...