42

He asked me what have I done?

Where is the manual?

When does it become more than just journaling about the pain?

'Not everyone can overcome their pain with journals" 

I guess now is when I start to talk about the upward spiral instead of the downward. 

 

There is healing there is a point to my writing other than release. I have spent hours reading about how to  heal from the inside. I studied the world religions to find a truth that would sit with  my heart. Without that journey and the lessons I have learned I would certainly not be here to write about the pain and trauma.

Let me remind you of the first time I was saved. This was when I traveled to Sedona with Kathryn and really the learned the art of meditating, Reiki and cultural equality. I spent two years studying with her. We read the Rig Veda, excerpts from the  bible, Native American rituals and writes of passage. We read the "The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying". I went through seminars about primal healing and read books about offering spiritual guidance and even learned how to perform my own life event services such as weddings. I spent years with  knowledge in my head and words to provide but no connection in my heart.    

The book that kicked started that journey was "The Celestine Prophecy" by James Redfield. I still recommend that book to anyone who is at the beginning of their journey. 

In college my minor was sociology. I continued to read about society and the problems and possible solutions of social behavior. This was the first time I read "Emotional Intelligence" I remember how fascinating it was to think that I could have control of my emotions. However, I definitely didn't master it. This was all in the early 90's and I had my very first email that my dad had set up for me on AOL. The address was Stefcam42@aol. Who knows if it still lingers out there in  the world wide web. The "Cam" part was because I was in love with  taking pictures and making videos. I was behind a camera anytime I wasn't studying or making myself numb. The 42 was because that is the answer to the universe.

Life moved on I had fun for a few years in  my 20's after that. I was single making my own money and had nothing but me to take care of. During my 30's the depression and the numbness returned. From the outside everything looked great and I tried to keep it that way. However I did find books like "The Four Agreements" and others that addressed philosophies for living happy and free. I read them I recited them and I held on tight. I tried to be impeccable with  my word. I tried not to take anything personally. I tried not to make assumptions. I especially always tried to do my best. All I was really doing was holding on for dear life.

So much  was going wrong behind closed eyes. So much  that I had created. The truth is I created this life by never connecting anything  I read to my heart and soul. I let it all linger in my mind. I never made any of it real. I never really made it mine. I thought if I stuffed my head full of self help without actually doing the stuff to help myself that I would magically be okay.

Then 40 happened my world as I knew it ended. I met Tom and he told me I had to do the work. Shit he yelled it at me over and over. I cried and he yelled, well he'll tell you he wasn't yelling. He passionately told me with  conviction I needed to do the work. 

Slowly I started to go to meeting for codependents. I had never even heard of this before. I had a very stereotypical view of what codependency meant and I for sure didn't fit the stereotype. Well the stereotype is very wrong and I am the poster child for codependency. I read and continue to read books by Melody Beattie. Today I read a daily meditation from "Journey to the Heart"

Find places of healing. Then go there often.

They are yours for the asking, yours for the seeking.

Healing places are an important part of the journey.  

We already know one of my healing places starts with white pages. I don't know any other places that take me deep into  healing. I have never really allowed myself to go to deep. The steps. I can hear Tom telling me to do the work. Do the steps. For a year and a half I have done Step one and Step two. I know I am codependent and I know there is a power greater than myself. In five months I will be 42.

I am about to understand the answer to the universe. As I start one of the biggest battles of my life I will do the work. My journals will now become about sharing the powers of healing and what can become when you realize life is limitless.