Step One
Am I controlling? Yes! I thought I had controlled my control issues by becoming an educator. There is a lot we can control in our classroom. I've realized I was only disguising my control issues. If people didn't do as I perceived "the right way" I walked away from them. I was essentially sending out the message, behave according to my perception of reality or go away. Although I believed I was an excepting, forgiving, non-judgmental person, really I am exactly like everyone else, completely self-centered and judgmental. The only difference is I was hiding it.
What's the difference between being powerless and being empowered? When I try to feel something on the inside but trying to control the outside I feel powerless and frustrated. Empowered means the inside feelings do not depend on my outside circumstances. When I let go of expectations I gain the freedom I have been looking for. The freedom to live without strings, without fear, and freedom to be me.
Even in service when I offered help to those in need I was bound by my expectations. I became frustrated when the result of my services wasn't what I envisioned. I became tired and full of stress and resentment. My mother used to tell me to detach when she saw that I took on the burden of others sadness. I did not understand at all what she meant while I was growing up.
I did learn to detach but for me detachment to fly away, create a fantasy world I could day dream about. Instead of detaching from the outcome of the help I offered I detached from reality. This type of detachment caused an inability to know what was me and what was everyone else. Life paths,decisions that others were living, making; I felt as if they were my own. The only detachment I succeeded at was detachment from myself.
Things that were played out, patterns that destroyed me, was I powerless over them or was their anything I could have controlled? I have played tug of war with control and power. I can not control others decisions, others reactions or even choices to hurt or be hurt. I can only let go of the rope, untie the knot and walk away from the game.
What's the difference between being powerless and being empowered? When I try to feel something on the inside but trying to control the outside I feel powerless and frustrated. Empowered means the inside feelings do not depend on my outside circumstances. When I let go of expectations I gain the freedom I have been looking for. The freedom to live without strings, without fear, and freedom to be me.
Even in service when I offered help to those in need I was bound by my expectations. I became frustrated when the result of my services wasn't what I envisioned. I became tired and full of stress and resentment. My mother used to tell me to detach when she saw that I took on the burden of others sadness. I did not understand at all what she meant while I was growing up.
I did learn to detach but for me detachment to fly away, create a fantasy world I could day dream about. Instead of detaching from the outcome of the help I offered I detached from reality. This type of detachment caused an inability to know what was me and what was everyone else. Life paths,decisions that others were living, making; I felt as if they were my own. The only detachment I succeeded at was detachment from myself.
Things that were played out, patterns that destroyed me, was I powerless over them or was their anything I could have controlled? I have played tug of war with control and power. I can not control others decisions, others reactions or even choices to hurt or be hurt. I can only let go of the rope, untie the knot and walk away from the game.
Comments
Post a Comment