Letters from The Beast

Oh anxiety how you slay me I can read a million books   Practice silence everyday     But when you have a mission to destroy my peace you swoop in with vengeance   And you battle my mind, my stomach and my lungs.     The words of wisdom and moments of retreat are geared up and ready to march. It used to take hours of uncontrollable tears to win the fight. It used to take pages of words spilled onto the battle field, leaving me empty and almost lifeless before it would end.     I am stronger and you are weaker. You still grab hold of my mind, my stomach and my lungs. I still rock back and forth as the battle rages on but it no longer ends in a half dead body limp in the floor.     It ends with courage and pride and peace. It ends with a happy confident heart that has remembered "This too shall pass" and "it's not real" and best of all "I am loved, I deserve peace and happiness"   Dreaming of the Beast.  

Dear Loose Ends, This Sagittarius retrograde has me looking at my goals ahead and what from my past needs to still be cleared in order to move toward those goals. The days recently, the days leading up to this time have brought my mind to familiar places of anger, frustration, sadness, jealousy and even control. My current loose ends are my emotional habits created from sexual abuse, codependency and mental health issues. The good news is that i haven't experienced these feeling for a couple of months. The other good news is as each approached and surfaced I allowed myself to feel them and then asked myself where is this coming from? The anger is easy that is the emotion to cover all other emotions, each habit of emotion turns into anger for me. This was the illusion of protection I created. If my emotions weren't seen they couldn't be used against me. I told myself (well I learned by example if I'm being honest) at a very young age, anger made me appear strong and

Look for the helpers they tell us. To be honest with you I'm not even sure who I am mad at. I want to be mad at all men but I'm not. I love the man who is washing dishes in my kitchen right now even though he is cranky and moody with me. I love him everyday. Dear G, Maybe you can tell me who I should be mad at. The story goes like this....two years ago almost to the day I called the cops on my husband for raping an underage girl. The girl and I sat in my parents house and waited for them to show up. When the officers arrived I felt a little sense of relief that everything was going to be okay because the sergeant in charge that knocked on my parents door was a familiar face. He was the SRO (school resource officer) for at least 7 years with me. I saw him everyday. I was so happy to see him I pored my heart out. As the case unfolded I had called him a few times with information but he rarely returned my calls. I really didn't think anything of it. I heard rumors that

Little Girls Lost, Have you ever asked your self why have been raped three times? I didn't either, well, not until you came into my life. In my late teens and early 20's I always felt raped. It was very obvious that I didn't now what a relationship was, certainly not a healthy sexual relationship. I spent a lot of time just complying with the requests from boys and men. Honestly I didn't even know that there was enjoyment in sex. It was a chore more than anything else. There was only one time that I know for sure that I was raped as a young adult. I mean I said no plenty of times but I always complied so yea I was giving mixed messages. Was I a victim? The answer is most certainly yes but when was I victim? Look there is no denying there are predators out there that were created by a slew of things. I have so many theories. But when do I take responsibility for my own life or have I chosen to let other be in control of my destiny? Well up until you woke me up and

Dear David Or should I call you Matt, I'm glad I have your attention. There is so much I have to say to you. First I would be lying if I didn't tell you that it certainly feeds my ego that you follow all of my social media and stalk by blog. I'm not going to censor myself and I feel bad you  still have the desire to "win". Anyway..... Let's go back to that day two years ago when I walked out. I am not sorry I left and never talked to you again. I am only sorry that it took me so long to get the courage to do so. I am truly embarrassed that I needed so much pain to be caused before I realized that was not the life I wanted. Now let's go back to when we met. This was the first time in my life I was experiencing freedom. I was living on my own, making my own money and I had a false sense of confidence because of it. I still didn't have any relationship confidence. Shit I didn't even know what that looked like. Emotionally, I was still codepend

Dear John, Through the years you have changed. Your clothes changed, your hair, your height and even your gender. You made promises about loyalty and faith but we never got there. I told you over and over again what I didn't want. Over and over again you showed me exactly that. Your name changed many times, Sean, Jon, Rich, Kim, Amy, Jason, Darren, Adam, Anthony, Shirley, Jennifer, Stacy, Jessica and so on. Even though you changed on the outside everything on the  inside remained the same. Many years went by where I blamed you and I said no more. I told you I wasn't going to live like this. I screamed and I clawed. I cried and I prayed for you to make the real change I needed. Then one day I asked myself, "'what do you want". I had lived a very long time running from all the things that scared me. I knew the heart I didn't want to have. I knew the pain of emptiness and the despair of self hate but I never stopped to ask myself what I wanted. I started

Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of god as we understand god. Okay right. yea, yea, yea. I do this...no! I am still trying to control things. I just had a two week battle with my lawyer, I mean my ego because he wasn't getting the outcome he said he could. I felt helpless. I felt like I was once again put in a position to fight at the coercion of others and once again forced to make decisions with a limited bank of options. I was extremely angry that I found myself in this situation and I was starting to lose faith. I simply wrote the word faith over and over again. I painted it and I said it to myself everyday for two weeks. The case disappeared, no harm, no damage just a waist of time. The anger subsided and I learned many more valuable lessons. Everyday I am  making my decisions to be present and to let go. I have decided that trust and faith are the energies I need to keep close to my heart. When I let go miracles happen. When I am in th

Dear Self, What have you done lately to let them in? There comes a point where you have to practice what you preach. You have told them about the Narcissist you grew up with and the one you married (duh) but have you told the about the narcissist inside? HEY! Listen, you've admitted to being shallow and allowing the gifts to be your source of love but have you admitted the gifts were also the barrier you created to keep everyone at a distance. This is the part in my healing that I start to take risks. I have admitted to mistakes and fear that led me to the path that I lived for 20 years. I admitted that once I became responsible for my life I allowed the victim to shape my decisions. But I never really took a look at what it was behind the victim mask that I wore that allowed me to repeat the cycle over and over and over again. It was not luck of the draw that every single romantic relationship I had and every single platonic friendship I had were on my terms and kept at m

Dear G, Jim Carey is floating around social media right now with the headline "Is He Crazy" one vlogger has used the current hip language to label him as "woke". Jim Carey is seen in interviews saying things like "none of this is real, I am not real, you are not real, none of it matters". It's quite easy for the media to dismiss him as being the next crazy to stir up Hollywood drama. As a matter of fact this is their job. That's how they keep us a sleep and "tuned in/out". Media uses the buzz words "stay tuned, tune in" but why do we watch? We watch to tune out. After a long day I want to come home and watch MINDLESS entertainment. The media knows this. They know I have let go of consciousness and am taking in the images. This is how they get you. They sell you  an idea of what happiness is from food to cars to body image and everything in between and around the edges. It's not a conspiracy theory or paranoia, it's

Hello little ones, Your life is about to change. Change will always be part of the journey and sometimes it's scary but there is always a reason. This change will make you change your perspective and you  may wind up with a lot of resent toward me. What you need to know is everything I do and have done is to protect you. I thought about it for a long time and I prayed about it as well. The answer was loud and clear. I'd rather you hate me for a lifetime than live with the burden of The Beast in control of your life for even a second. The decision I had to make was based on actions your father took before we were divorced. I know you want to believe it is in the past and he is changing, getting help but recent activity has proved otherwise. I  don't want to believe that he would ever hurt you but I also never wanted to believe he would do the things he has already done. I  was ignorant and naïve for 13 years. I turned my back while he did his damage to others and