Step 4
Dear David Or should I call you Matt,
I'm glad I have your attention. There is so much I have to say to you. First I would be lying if I didn't tell you that it certainly feeds my ego that you follow all of my social media and stalk by blog. I'm not going to censor myself and I feel bad you still have the desire to "win".
Anyway.....
Let's go back to that day two years ago when I walked out. I am not sorry I left and never talked to you again. I am only sorry that it took me so long to get the courage to do so. I am truly embarrassed that I needed so much pain to be caused before I realized that was not the life I wanted.
Now let's go back to when we met. This was the first time in my life I was experiencing freedom. I was living on my own, making my own money and I had a false sense of confidence because of it. I still didn't have any relationship confidence. Shit I didn't even know what that looked like. Emotionally, I was still codependent on my parents and the one best friend I latched onto at the moment.
I never recognized my pattern of having one main, whether girl or boy, I was always glued to someone. I had jealousy issues that I even projected onto my girlfriends. Luckily most of my girlfriends were just as codependent and we were glued to each other. Luckily, because it worked for both of us but it also allowed me to not take responsibility for myself and if I believed someone betrayed my codependency I got rid of them.
The only difference between my girlfriends and my boyfriends is I had sex with the boys. I allowed myself to have sex, get fucked, give blow jobs whenever a boy wanted it. I didn't even know I was doing this to be loved. I wanted to be loved so badly, truly loved and accepted but I never loved anyone back or truly accepted anyone the way I wanted to be. I thought if I was loved by someone else then I could feel love and in return love myself and others.
You and I never loved each other. We liked each other and we had good sex in the beginning. You got attached to me because I was a good investment and I got attached to you because you were hot. That's it really. We were both sick. Your a sex addict, a drug addict and an alcoholic. I am not mad at you for those things. I knew it before I married you and I still chose to say vows and have children.
Shortly after the birth of our daughter I started to feel the emptiness again that I always felt. Most of our marriage I spent trying to make you love me. Or avoid and stay busy busy busy busy until I would eventually explode.
It sounds so ridiculous to say now. I was truly living in the nightmare. I was trying to control my world by making you love me by making you be the man I wanted when you never were and I knew that. All the manipulation and the games you were playing were so easy for me to escape had I any self love. I don't regret our life together because we never had a life together. I had my life with my children and I never lost that. You had your wife and kids at home and your fantasy life on the outside.
I never should have let it go on for so long. I should have found myself long before so many others had to get hurt. I can not go back or dwell on what has been done. I have made a shit ton of mistakes before the age of 40 but when I met Tom he taught me how to love myself. He didn't just love me and expect to fill the void he said "bitch go get help" lol and I did and it was the greatest gift anyone has ever given me.
I no loner get hurt by others decisions. I am no longer attached to choices made by family members. Oh my god I used to take everything so personally and I didn't even recognize it. Even you, you still need so much from me but you know what self love teaches you? It teaches you that the well never runs dry.
Why is this my step 4 you ask?
Well I have really been doing step 4 for a long time. Possibly since the day I walked out I have been asking myself "what the fuck have I done". Even though this isn't an inventory it is a list in the form of a letter as so many letters before this have also been claiming ownership to the path I walked. Here is a small list of some of the big things that I have recognizes about myself...
Selfish, shallow, emotional liar and judgmental. Those are the big ones. Now I am the opposite of those things and every day I get better, happier and more abundant.
"In this moment, I am willing to see myself as I truly am: a growing, unfolding, spiritual being. I separate who I am from what I've done, knowing that the real me is emerging - loving, joyful and whole." - Codependants workbook
I'm glad I have your attention. There is so much I have to say to you. First I would be lying if I didn't tell you that it certainly feeds my ego that you follow all of my social media and stalk by blog. I'm not going to censor myself and I feel bad you still have the desire to "win".
Anyway.....
Let's go back to that day two years ago when I walked out. I am not sorry I left and never talked to you again. I am only sorry that it took me so long to get the courage to do so. I am truly embarrassed that I needed so much pain to be caused before I realized that was not the life I wanted.
Now let's go back to when we met. This was the first time in my life I was experiencing freedom. I was living on my own, making my own money and I had a false sense of confidence because of it. I still didn't have any relationship confidence. Shit I didn't even know what that looked like. Emotionally, I was still codependent on my parents and the one best friend I latched onto at the moment.
I never recognized my pattern of having one main, whether girl or boy, I was always glued to someone. I had jealousy issues that I even projected onto my girlfriends. Luckily most of my girlfriends were just as codependent and we were glued to each other. Luckily, because it worked for both of us but it also allowed me to not take responsibility for myself and if I believed someone betrayed my codependency I got rid of them.
The only difference between my girlfriends and my boyfriends is I had sex with the boys. I allowed myself to have sex, get fucked, give blow jobs whenever a boy wanted it. I didn't even know I was doing this to be loved. I wanted to be loved so badly, truly loved and accepted but I never loved anyone back or truly accepted anyone the way I wanted to be. I thought if I was loved by someone else then I could feel love and in return love myself and others.
You and I never loved each other. We liked each other and we had good sex in the beginning. You got attached to me because I was a good investment and I got attached to you because you were hot. That's it really. We were both sick. Your a sex addict, a drug addict and an alcoholic. I am not mad at you for those things. I knew it before I married you and I still chose to say vows and have children.
Shortly after the birth of our daughter I started to feel the emptiness again that I always felt. Most of our marriage I spent trying to make you love me. Or avoid and stay busy busy busy busy until I would eventually explode.
It sounds so ridiculous to say now. I was truly living in the nightmare. I was trying to control my world by making you love me by making you be the man I wanted when you never were and I knew that. All the manipulation and the games you were playing were so easy for me to escape had I any self love. I don't regret our life together because we never had a life together. I had my life with my children and I never lost that. You had your wife and kids at home and your fantasy life on the outside.
I never should have let it go on for so long. I should have found myself long before so many others had to get hurt. I can not go back or dwell on what has been done. I have made a shit ton of mistakes before the age of 40 but when I met Tom he taught me how to love myself. He didn't just love me and expect to fill the void he said "bitch go get help" lol and I did and it was the greatest gift anyone has ever given me.
I no loner get hurt by others decisions. I am no longer attached to choices made by family members. Oh my god I used to take everything so personally and I didn't even recognize it. Even you, you still need so much from me but you know what self love teaches you? It teaches you that the well never runs dry.
Why is this my step 4 you ask?
Well I have really been doing step 4 for a long time. Possibly since the day I walked out I have been asking myself "what the fuck have I done". Even though this isn't an inventory it is a list in the form of a letter as so many letters before this have also been claiming ownership to the path I walked. Here is a small list of some of the big things that I have recognizes about myself...
Selfish, shallow, emotional liar and judgmental. Those are the big ones. Now I am the opposite of those things and every day I get better, happier and more abundant.
"In this moment, I am willing to see myself as I truly am: a growing, unfolding, spiritual being. I separate who I am from what I've done, knowing that the real me is emerging - loving, joyful and whole." - Codependants workbook
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