It's Not You It's Me
Dear John,
Through the years you have changed. Your clothes changed, your hair, your height and even your gender. You made promises about loyalty and faith but we never got there. I told you over and over again what I didn't want. Over and over again you showed me exactly that. Your name changed many times, Sean, Jon, Rich, Kim, Amy, Jason, Darren, Adam, Anthony, Shirley, Jennifer, Stacy, Jessica and so on. Even though you changed on the outside everything on the inside remained the same.
Many years went by where I blamed you and I said no more. I told you I wasn't going to live like this. I screamed and I clawed. I cried and I prayed for you to make the real change I needed. Then one day I asked myself, "'what do you want". I had lived a very long time running from all the things that scared me. I knew the heart I didn't want to have. I knew the pain of emptiness and the despair of self hate but I never stopped to ask myself what I wanted.
I started very simply saying I want to be in a relationship with a man that adores me and that I adore. Then I realized I wanted friendships that were safe. I started to gain strength once I started to identify what it is I wanted. You didn't change right away but more and more everyday I changed my thoughts. I focused on what I wanted instead of what I didn't want. I started with the surface and have slowly gotten deeper and deeper with what I want, what I believe in my core and what I can manifest in my reality.
I spent about three years really focusing on what I wanted just on the surface and about two years ago you changed for good. Your face changed, your clothes changed, your name changed but most of all your heart changed. You became a man whose love and loyalty matches mine. I allowed what I wanted for the first time in 40 years into my life instead of only the things I didn't want. I changed my focus to love instead of fear and I brought you into my life.
On some level I have always preached you are responsible for your life but it wasn't until two years ago that I truly understand what I was saying. I thought if I work hard I will always have a job. I thought I was speaking more about my choices for economic success not making excuses and always climbing the ladder. My relationships were not a priority. I accepted who came my way and never took responsibility for what I attracted.
This past week I have seen all your faces of the past. The memory of who I used to engage with has been streaming through my dreams. Last night I looked at all the faces of The Beast from my early childhood up until my 40th birthday and I laughed. I laughed out of pure joy because I truly changed you. I changed my world. I no longer have beasts. I laughed because I can't even imagine why I allowed my thoughts to focus n fear in the first place when this is so much better.
Really I laughed because I finally realized in my heart, all of the masks that you wear, all of the people you live inside of were there before me, will be there after me and never had anything to do with me.
It's me I let you in. I let all of you in. You will always be what I don't want and you will never be what I want but I entertained you. It's like arguing with a child but that child was me. Just writing this I am laughing at the absurdity and the reality that its always been me.
Through the years you have changed. Your clothes changed, your hair, your height and even your gender. You made promises about loyalty and faith but we never got there. I told you over and over again what I didn't want. Over and over again you showed me exactly that. Your name changed many times, Sean, Jon, Rich, Kim, Amy, Jason, Darren, Adam, Anthony, Shirley, Jennifer, Stacy, Jessica and so on. Even though you changed on the outside everything on the inside remained the same.
Many years went by where I blamed you and I said no more. I told you I wasn't going to live like this. I screamed and I clawed. I cried and I prayed for you to make the real change I needed. Then one day I asked myself, "'what do you want". I had lived a very long time running from all the things that scared me. I knew the heart I didn't want to have. I knew the pain of emptiness and the despair of self hate but I never stopped to ask myself what I wanted.
I started very simply saying I want to be in a relationship with a man that adores me and that I adore. Then I realized I wanted friendships that were safe. I started to gain strength once I started to identify what it is I wanted. You didn't change right away but more and more everyday I changed my thoughts. I focused on what I wanted instead of what I didn't want. I started with the surface and have slowly gotten deeper and deeper with what I want, what I believe in my core and what I can manifest in my reality.
I spent about three years really focusing on what I wanted just on the surface and about two years ago you changed for good. Your face changed, your clothes changed, your name changed but most of all your heart changed. You became a man whose love and loyalty matches mine. I allowed what I wanted for the first time in 40 years into my life instead of only the things I didn't want. I changed my focus to love instead of fear and I brought you into my life.
On some level I have always preached you are responsible for your life but it wasn't until two years ago that I truly understand what I was saying. I thought if I work hard I will always have a job. I thought I was speaking more about my choices for economic success not making excuses and always climbing the ladder. My relationships were not a priority. I accepted who came my way and never took responsibility for what I attracted.
This past week I have seen all your faces of the past. The memory of who I used to engage with has been streaming through my dreams. Last night I looked at all the faces of The Beast from my early childhood up until my 40th birthday and I laughed. I laughed out of pure joy because I truly changed you. I changed my world. I no longer have beasts. I laughed because I can't even imagine why I allowed my thoughts to focus n fear in the first place when this is so much better.
Really I laughed because I finally realized in my heart, all of the masks that you wear, all of the people you live inside of were there before me, will be there after me and never had anything to do with me.
It's me I let you in. I let all of you in. You will always be what I don't want and you will never be what I want but I entertained you. It's like arguing with a child but that child was me. Just writing this I am laughing at the absurdity and the reality that its always been me.
When I close my eyes and see the Ferris wheel of faces
I let them spin
I don't take the ride
When I close my eyes I see the memories
I forgive the past
I forgive the fool
The fool that I was
When I close my eyes I laugh at my past
I laugh at The Beast
I laugh at the attraction
I laugh at the fool
The fool that I was
When I close my eyes I have changed my story
I focus on me
I focus on Love
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