Stepping into the Light

Oh anxiety how you slay me

I can read a million books 

Practice silence everyday 

 

But when you have a mission to destroy my peace you swoop in with vengeance 

And you battle my mind, my stomach and my lungs. 

 

The words of wisdom and moments of retreat are geared up and ready to march. It used to take hours of uncontrollable tears to win the fight. It used to take pages of words spilled onto the battle field, leaving me empty and almost lifeless before it would end. 

 

I am stronger and you are weaker. You still grab hold of my mind, my stomach and my lungs. I still rock back and forth as the battle rages on but it no longer ends in a half dead body limp in the floor. 

 

It ends with courage and pride and peace. It ends with a happy confident heart that has remembered "This too shall pass" and "it's not real" and best of all "I am loved, I deserve peace and happiness" 

Dreaming of the Beast. 

It's not what you think. Something is triggered in my mind and I'm stuck surrounded by nightmares of the original beast. The one that slept in the woods behind my house. These past few nights he has escaped the woods, broke the barrier and unleashed the hell dogs. This time however I know night is coming and I'm prepared for the fight. While in my childhood home I gather my tools everything I can wear and easily run with and as the sun sets I watch. In the dreams timing is important. I stay on the edge of the beasts dwellings right up until they wake and venture out looking for prey. When the sun hits a certain spot right before complete darkness it's time to run. I'm with lots of women and children and we run in different directions, split up in teams and certain hell dogs hunt certain groups. There is a reason for the divide although I'm not aware of the reason in the dream. I'm with two others in my group. I think one is my daughter, maybe my son is with us but for sure the other one in my group is one of my teachers. This strikes me as odd because the teacher running with me listening to my direction is one of the teachers I feel I have the least positive relationship with. As we run through the streets of my childhood town we pass through doors and we make sure to close and lock them. Each time we close a door we can hear the dogs get trapped and we are definitely getting further and further away. We pass through neighbors houses, entering the front door and climbing our bedroom windows. Our hell dogs are almost too far to find us. Finally we climb out the last window and we know they can no longer find us. We come across another group that has also lost their hell dogs as we approach the others we can still hear others in woods near by running from their demons. The dream ends with us listening to the sounds of screams and barks and leaves being tortured by fear and footsteps. We are helpless and all we can do is pray for their lives.