You choose!
Little Girls Lost,
Have you ever asked your self why have been raped three times? I didn't either, well, not until you came into my life.
In my late teens and early 20's I always felt raped. It was very obvious that I didn't now what a relationship was, certainly not a healthy sexual relationship. I spent a lot of time just complying with the requests from boys and men. Honestly I didn't even know that there was enjoyment in sex. It was a chore more than anything else. There was only one time that I know for sure that I was raped as a young adult. I mean I said no plenty of times but I always complied so yea I was giving mixed messages. Was I a victim?
The answer is most certainly yes but when was I victim? Look there is no denying there are predators out there that were created by a slew of things. I have so many theories. But when do I take responsibility for my own life or have I chosen to let other be in control of my destiny? Well up until you woke me up and Tom put life back into me that's exactly what I was doing. As a 40 year old women I was letting others be in control of me.
Let me clarify. Each time I felt raped after the age of 18 (maybe even 20, I was still a baby at 18) I probably was being "taken advantage of" but what I had created was acceptance of the feeling of abuse. I didn't do it on purpose and no one ever told me this is what I was doing. In fact society pitied me, HELL NO! I heard stories of date rape over and over again. Those poor things, here let's take a self defense class or carry pepper spray maybe even a tazer (which I still have). Wait what the fuck!!!! Why do I have to protect myself and constantly look over my shoulder? Why do I have to feel scared and jump out of my skin if someone touches my shoulder from behind me?
Listen carefully. Once upon a time when I was a child another child taught me that because I was a girl I had to do what HE said. I learned I had to comply. That is when I was the victim and no one in my world wanted to admit that these were the things that were being taught to me. Years later did I cry wolf when there wasn't one? NO! There was a wolf but he lived in the woods behind my house and attacked my soul where he lived and breathed every time I was slightly sexual with someone. These "someones" were the army of wolves sent out or as my dream as a child visualized them, little balls of fire that chased me and often turned into dogs. The beasts predators.
Was I a victim? YES! Did I recreate my abuse? YES! Did I know any better? NO!
But.....I do now
What I wish for you, for all of you...is that you turn around, you face what was done to you. You admit it. You scream it from the roof tops. SOME FUCKED UP SHIT WAS DONE TO ME!!!!
Then you remind that is not life! That is not who we have to be! This is not the life I have to live! Then be specific. I DON'T HAVE TO DO SHIT SIMPLY BECAUSE I AM A GIRL hold on WOMAN!
I don't need to comply and I certainly don't need your attention because your attention is not love. Then go further. I don't need your love. I love myself enough. Then remind yourself that you get to chose everything about your life. Who enjoys your smile, who enjoys your laugh, who enjoys your body. You get to choose!
Lastly let them all go.
Have you ever asked your self why have been raped three times? I didn't either, well, not until you came into my life.
In my late teens and early 20's I always felt raped. It was very obvious that I didn't now what a relationship was, certainly not a healthy sexual relationship. I spent a lot of time just complying with the requests from boys and men. Honestly I didn't even know that there was enjoyment in sex. It was a chore more than anything else. There was only one time that I know for sure that I was raped as a young adult. I mean I said no plenty of times but I always complied so yea I was giving mixed messages. Was I a victim?
The answer is most certainly yes but when was I victim? Look there is no denying there are predators out there that were created by a slew of things. I have so many theories. But when do I take responsibility for my own life or have I chosen to let other be in control of my destiny? Well up until you woke me up and Tom put life back into me that's exactly what I was doing. As a 40 year old women I was letting others be in control of me.
Let me clarify. Each time I felt raped after the age of 18 (maybe even 20, I was still a baby at 18) I probably was being "taken advantage of" but what I had created was acceptance of the feeling of abuse. I didn't do it on purpose and no one ever told me this is what I was doing. In fact society pitied me, HELL NO! I heard stories of date rape over and over again. Those poor things, here let's take a self defense class or carry pepper spray maybe even a tazer (which I still have). Wait what the fuck!!!! Why do I have to protect myself and constantly look over my shoulder? Why do I have to feel scared and jump out of my skin if someone touches my shoulder from behind me?
Listen carefully. Once upon a time when I was a child another child taught me that because I was a girl I had to do what HE said. I learned I had to comply. That is when I was the victim and no one in my world wanted to admit that these were the things that were being taught to me. Years later did I cry wolf when there wasn't one? NO! There was a wolf but he lived in the woods behind my house and attacked my soul where he lived and breathed every time I was slightly sexual with someone. These "someones" were the army of wolves sent out or as my dream as a child visualized them, little balls of fire that chased me and often turned into dogs. The beasts predators.
Was I a victim? YES! Did I recreate my abuse? YES! Did I know any better? NO!
But.....I do now
What I wish for you, for all of you...is that you turn around, you face what was done to you. You admit it. You scream it from the roof tops. SOME FUCKED UP SHIT WAS DONE TO ME!!!!
Then you remind that is not life! That is not who we have to be! This is not the life I have to live! Then be specific. I DON'T HAVE TO DO SHIT SIMPLY BECAUSE I AM A GIRL hold on WOMAN!
I don't need to comply and I certainly don't need your attention because your attention is not love. Then go further. I don't need your love. I love myself enough. Then remind yourself that you get to chose everything about your life. Who enjoys your smile, who enjoys your laugh, who enjoys your body. You get to choose!
Lastly let them all go.
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