A Reflection of Me
Dear Self,
What have you done lately to let them in? There comes a point where you have to practice what you preach. You have told them about the Narcissist you grew up with and the one you married (duh) but have you told the about the narcissist inside?
HEY!
Listen, you've admitted to being shallow and allowing the gifts to be your source of love but have you admitted the gifts were also the barrier you created to keep everyone at a distance.
This is the part in my healing that I start to take risks. I have admitted to mistakes and fear that led me to the path that I lived for 20 years. I admitted that once I became responsible for my life I allowed the victim to shape my decisions. But I never really took a look at what it was behind the victim mask that I wore that allowed me to repeat the cycle over and over and over again. It was not luck of the draw that every single romantic relationship I had and every single platonic friendship I had were on my terms and kept at more than arms length. I had romance that lived an hour away so that I could only see him twice a month. I had that for seven years. Everyone else that I saw on a more regular basis only lasted 6 months or less. There was no way I was going to recognize I was codependent during this stage because I was intentionally not getting close to anyone. Friendships were ended or put on hold anytime I felt "disrespected" that's code for "I have no conflict resolution skills".
The truth is during those lonely years growing up I saw the narcissist deal with fear, doubt, depression, self esteem and anger with ego therefore I worked on building up my ego. I controlled my environment by hiding behind my ego. Of course the only one who was going to catch my attention was someone who was a million times better at the same game. The narcissist I married was a bigger brighter reflection of who I was and what I had created.
DAM!!!
Today I am telling my story. I am being brutally honest with myself and I am stripping down to the soul. I am doing this to cleanse myself of what I have created and I am returning back to truth and light. I am changing what I choose to manifest.
What have you done lately to let them in? There comes a point where you have to practice what you preach. You have told them about the Narcissist you grew up with and the one you married (duh) but have you told the about the narcissist inside?
HEY!
Listen, you've admitted to being shallow and allowing the gifts to be your source of love but have you admitted the gifts were also the barrier you created to keep everyone at a distance.
This is the part in my healing that I start to take risks. I have admitted to mistakes and fear that led me to the path that I lived for 20 years. I admitted that once I became responsible for my life I allowed the victim to shape my decisions. But I never really took a look at what it was behind the victim mask that I wore that allowed me to repeat the cycle over and over and over again. It was not luck of the draw that every single romantic relationship I had and every single platonic friendship I had were on my terms and kept at more than arms length. I had romance that lived an hour away so that I could only see him twice a month. I had that for seven years. Everyone else that I saw on a more regular basis only lasted 6 months or less. There was no way I was going to recognize I was codependent during this stage because I was intentionally not getting close to anyone. Friendships were ended or put on hold anytime I felt "disrespected" that's code for "I have no conflict resolution skills".
The truth is during those lonely years growing up I saw the narcissist deal with fear, doubt, depression, self esteem and anger with ego therefore I worked on building up my ego. I controlled my environment by hiding behind my ego. Of course the only one who was going to catch my attention was someone who was a million times better at the same game. The narcissist I married was a bigger brighter reflection of who I was and what I had created.
DAM!!!
Today I am telling my story. I am being brutally honest with myself and I am stripping down to the soul. I am doing this to cleanse myself of what I have created and I am returning back to truth and light. I am changing what I choose to manifest.
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