In Retrograde

Dear Loose Ends,

This Sagittarius retrograde has me looking at my goals ahead and what from my past needs to still be cleared in order to move toward those goals. The days recently, the days leading up to this time have brought my mind to familiar places of anger, frustration, sadness, jealousy and even control. My current loose ends are my emotional habits created from sexual abuse, codependency and mental health issues.

The good news is that i haven't experienced these feeling for a couple of months. The other good news is as each approached and surfaced I allowed myself to feel them and then asked myself where is this coming from? The anger is easy that is the emotion to cover all other emotions, each habit of emotion turns into anger for me. This was the illusion of protection I created. If my emotions weren't seen they couldn't be used against me. I told myself (well I learned by example if I'm being honest) at a very young age, anger made me appear strong and everything else I might feel made me appear weak.

Let me explain, jealousy makes me the most angry. I say "I just don't like her" or "she is just not my kind of person". I've read a hundred times what you don't like in others is what  you don't like in yourself. When it comes to jealousy though I am not sure what is being reflected that I don't like within myself. I want to see most woman as beautiful and powerful and I am pretty good at it. Very few women get my jealousy juices flowing but when they do I can't even look at them. I have this ridiculous reaction like they are poison to me. What is it about certain women that hurt me. Its the ones who appear happy and confident and indulge in selfies. Wait is it just that? They "appear" happy and confident? Is it that I am recognizing a need for approval that they have and this is what I hate inside of myself? Oh I really do hate when I feel unworthy and in need of approval.

In retrospect I will focus on true internal happiness and confidence through this journey. I will recognize this jealousy triggers and I will consciously send them love.

The physical effects of codependency 

I've read many books and it turns out codependency is a lot more than what I grew up thinking. It's not about someone who can't be alone and always has to follow others. As a matter of fact for me it's extremely different. I've learned my compliance is not only a result of sexual abuse but also a condition of codependency. I've learned that my in ability to make strong bonds in all relationships is also a result of codependency. 

But the biggest thing I have learned is the actual physical effect it has taken on my body. There has not been any words written by Melody Bettie that I have found that addresses the physical addiction I feel when my codependency has bonded to a person. I'm sure I have written about it in the past but at the moment it is resurfacing. This tells me there is more to work on. 

The first time I felt the addiction (I didn't know at the time what I was feeling) I was 23 and had just broken up with my boyfriend. I knew the relationship was toxic. I knew it was not something I wanted to be in. Part of me didn't even like him but the pain that I felt was unbelievable. Not emotional pain actual physical pain. I can only imagine it must be what a heroine addict feels when detoxing. I was literally on my bedroom floor crippled with stomach pains. My arms hurt, my legs hurt and everything felt like it was being ripped apart. I remember telling someone at the time I felt like I was giving birth. 

I felt that pain again through the years with other relationships but not to the degree. I never let myself get involved after that until I met my ex husband. Two years ago I woke up and walked away from him. For the first month I stopped eating and I love food. I stopped not from choice but I physically couldn't. I couldn't swallow it hurt too much and if I did swallow my stomach immediately rejected it. At first I just thought it was stress and anxiety and part of it was but it was so much more than that. 

Once again I found myself on the floor doubled over in pain. I wanted to kill myself just to make the pain stop. I couldn't understand the pain simply because I knew in my heart this was the best decision and I was happier without him. I had found someone who was seeing me and helping me. One night the pain was so bad my sister had called for help. When Tom showed up his touch made the pain go away. It physically felt better. I had vitally said to him you are like medicine to me. It was in that moment that he told me I was codependent. I still didn't really know what that meant but I learned. 

However, I wasn't contributing my physical ailment to codependency just yet. Even when I told him I wanted to live inside of him. I wanted to climb inside his body the way Leonardo DiCaprio did to the horse in Revenant, seeking shelter from the storm. Even when I needed him to physically lay on top of me the weight and warmth of his body calmed my nerves made my anxiety stop and kept my insides from becoming outsides. 

I started to get a clue after a year of this but it wasn't until recently that I said "I need you to touch me, a hug, hold my hand" I said "you don't understand" he said it's your codependency" of course I denied that to be the truth but the truth is I NEEDED it they way a heroin addict needs her heroin. In that moment and in this very moment my body is experiencing anxiety and fear. So much fear and my body craves to be sheltered by his arms. 

For this retrospect and revisit of codependency I will focus on creating safety from my own strength and I will have faith and confidence in my own abilities to survive and thrive. 

Fighting the web

Someone recently asked if I get jealous when my ex's girlfriend spends time with my kids. This question was almost shocking to me, totally unimaginable. I sincerely answered her "ABSOLUTELY NOT". I am grateful they have her. She does things with them that I will never do. Also she keeps their father sober which is a good thing. As long as she is around they are safe. 

What I have just realized is that it is his web that gets me tangled. It's his games that put resentments in my heart. He is so skilled at weaving a web of control and I continuously get caught. The damage that I do to myself when I fly straight into the trap is fucking ridiculous. The good news is I'm getting much better at recognizing it and back tracking out of the web. 

The other day for example my daughter said "mom I think dad tries to be a better parent then you" we had a brief conversation but didn't spend much time on it. The very next night he demonstrated the ways he tries to "out do" me and I lost it. I got so mad in the moment and I took it out on my daughter. In the past I would have let my anger settle in and make camp but on this night I looked at my daughter and quickly said "I'm sorry, it doesn't matter, I have you in my life and that's all that I care about" she responded by saying "yea mom it's just material things, you're not someone who cares about that". 

I was able to escape the trap and remember who I was and then I was shown that my kids also know who I am. That was a great moment for all three of us. Last night however I was so quick to recognize the web that had been woven but still I got stuck. This time for a bit longer but certainly not as long as years past. I'm still learning to fly above the web but I am definitely getting better. 

During this retrospect I will focus on the new wings I have and I will place my faith in the fact that these are brighter and stronger and will lead me above the web from here on out. 

This month I have goals. I will clear out some left over residue from old habits and illusions. I will create new mantras that are rooted in community, compassion, growth and love.